Joke of the day

[Sgt. Rock]

A true story..happened to my late Uncle sometime back.

One day my Uncle and Aunt decided to go for a nice Sunday drive, so they got into their nice shiny Cadillac and headed on down the street.

They were about a mile or so from their house, when another car came up behind them and started honking their horn. My Uncle thought maybe the guy was in a hurry and wanted to go around. So he stuck his hand out and waved to signal to go around him.

No the guy just kept honking his horn and riding his tail as they say. Soon my Uncle was getting really peeved from this constant honking and tailgating crap. So he pulled the Cadillac over on the shoulder and waited for the driver to go around.

Instead the tailgater pulled right behind him and stopped too. "What's his damn problem anyway?" he explained to my Aunt, so he got out of his car and walked back to the tailgater, slamming his door as he did.

The tailgater also got out and walked toward my Uncle.

"What the hell is your problem asshole..you have been honking your damn horn and riding my ass for the last four blocks", my Uncle explained.

"Excuse me sir I just wanted to let you know you have a flat tire...and go screw yourself too". With that the guy got in his car and left, leaving my Uncle standing there with nothing to say.

 

[SilvrSRT10]

This actually happened to me.....

I was in Walmart awhile ago and had gotten one of their old beat up carts. One of the rear wheels wouldn't roll straight and I had to constantly correct where it was going. While in the checkout line I eased it forward and it went over and tagged the display stand. I again corrected where it was going and kinda kicked at the faulty wheel making a comment about how it was cockeyed. I turned around to see the lady standing behind me with one eye on me and the other looking toward the pharmacy. It's amazing how one's choice of words can bite you when you least expect it.

 

[kwo51]

No that is a lazy eye.Cocked eyed when they use foreskins to rebuild eye lids. Might see it in walmart as well.

 

[SilvrSRT10]

No that is a lazy eye.Cocked eyed when they use foreskins to rebuild eye lids. Might see it in walmart as well.

This was no lazy eye. It was full blown, out in left field cockeyed. I mean, if she had walked up to a group of people and said "What's your name"? Everyone would have answered at the same time.

 

[RangerDanger]

Years ago a friend of mine was about to fight some guy at a bar that was cockeyed. All thoughts of fighting went out the window when my friend asked him "Who the fuck you looking at? Me or him?" I about died laughing. Poor guy

 

[SilvrSRT10]

Another funny story,

When I lived in Boca Raton, Florida a friend and I rode our motorcycles to an oyster bar called Dirty Moe's. The place was packed with other bikers as well. As we weaved our way through the crowd, one of the bikers accidentally backed into me. He spilled his drink a little. I froze in place to see what he was going to do.

I could tell by his posture he wasn't happy and might start something. He spun around and looked me square in the belly button. I'm 6'9" 270lbs. He wasn't. He slowly looked up at me and said......"Damn man, you're on my side". I just smiled and said "You got it" as I continued to make my way through the place.

One more.....

My wife worked as a manager of a credit union. Many of her members were from where I worked. One day a guy comes in all hot about a $1.00 fee he was charged. He was rapid firing questions at her and being rather nasty. She thought he was someone I knew from work. She asked him if he knew me and he responded "Yeah, I know him, so what"? My wife informed him that I was her husband.

He had an instant personality change. More like an "Oh Shit" moment. From that point on he was her best friend. He became sappy sweet towards her. One of the other girls behind the counter almost couldn't contain herself she wanted to laugh so hard. He came in the next day too and almost ran people over getting to my wife to say hello and shake her hand.

 

[Sgt. Rock]

Another Irish joke...

Paddy and Mick are discussing Paddy's forthcoming wedding.

"I'm not sure if my future bride is a virgin or not." he said.

Mick says,"Oh, there's an easy test for that. All you need is some red paint, some blue paint and a shovel.

You paint one of your balls red and the other blue.

On your honeymoon if she laughs and says, 'Those are the funniest balls I've ever seen!' you hit her with the shovel!"

 

[Jo6pak]

It was so cold last winter that I saw a Democrat with his hands in his own pockets

 

[oppo]

It was so cold last winter that I saw a Democrat with his hands in his own pockets

Greatness :waytogo:

 

[Sgt. Rock]

A stoner walks into an appliance store and asks the owner, "How much for that TV set in the window?"

The owner looks at the display, then looks at the stoner, and says, "I don't sell stuff to potheads."

So the stoner tells the owner that he'll quit smoking pot and will come back the next week to buy the TV.

A week later, the stoner comes back and says, "I quit smoking pot. Now, how much for that TV set in the window?"

And the store owner says, "I told you I don't sell to potheads!"

So the stoner leaves again. He comes back a week later and says, "How much for that TV?"

The owner says, "I'm not going to tell you again, I don't sell to potheads!"

The giggling stoner looks back at the owner and says, "How can you tell I'm a pothead?"

The owner looks back and says, "Because that's a microwave."

 

[hotrodpc]

Yep, EVERYONE is in jail cuz of something they didn't do.

 

[Sgt. Rock]

You're never gonna believe...

A cruise ship founders on a reef, and a man just manages to swim some miles and crawl up on a desert island. After recovering from the ordeal, he begins to explore and finds to his great surprise (and pleasure) that the only other survivor of this terrible tragedy is Jennifer Lopez.

They build a lean-to and find some food and water. After a few weeks, it becomes clear that help is not on the way, so they start to get intimate. The guy is clearly ecstatic for a couple of weeks, but one morning she awakes to find him moping under a tree.

"What's the matter?" J.Lo says: "Is there anything I can do?"

"Well, I am a little shy about asking you," he replies: "But could you take some of that charcoal from the fire and paint a mustache on your face?"

"A mustache? Well... I... I suppose so", and she does it.

"Now, there's just one other thing. Can I call you Bob... like my friend?"

"Bob? Well... if it will make you feel better... all right."

"Great!" he cries, looks at her and says: "Bob! You're never gonna believe who I'm having sex with!"

 

[Sgt. Rock]

The Foreign Legion Captain

A very respected Captain in the Foreign Legion was transferred to a remote desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old seedy looking camel tied out behind the enlisted men's barracks.

He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "Why is a camel tied to the barracks?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do ... uh ... we have the camel ready for them.”

The Captain said, "Well, I suppose if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me”. After he had been stationed at the fort for six long, lonely months, the Captain simply couldn't control his sexual angst any longer. He barked to his Sergeant: "BRING THE CAMEL INTO MY TENT!”

The Sergeant shrugged his shoulders, looked at the other men, and lead the camel into the Captain's quarters. Within a few minutes, the Captain emerged from his tent, fastening his trousers, almost beaming with pride.

"So, Sergeant, is that how the enlisted men do it?" he asked.

The Sergeant replied, "Well, sir, usually they just use it to ride into town."

 

[hotrodpc]

The Foreign Legion Captain

A very respected Captain in the Foreign Legion was transferred to a remote desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old seedy looking camel tied out behind the enlisted men's barracks.

He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "Why is a camel tied to the barracks?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do ... uh ... we have the camel ready for them.”

The Captain said, "Well, I suppose if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me”. After he had been stationed at the fort for six long, lonely months, the Captain simply couldn't control his sexual angst any longer. He barked to his Sergeant: "BRING THE CAMEL INTO MY TENT!”

The Sergeant shrugged his shoulders, looked at the other men, and lead the camel into the Captain's quarters. Within a few minutes, the Captain emerged from his tent, fastening his trousers, almost beaming with pride.

"So, Sergeant, is that how the enlisted men do it?" he asked.

The Sergeant replied, "Well, sir, usually they just use it to ride into town."

I guess he had a ladder to pull that off. :happy175:

 

[Jo6pak]

A nurse walks into a bank.
She reaches into her purse for a pen, and tries to write up a deposit form before realizing she is holding a rectal thermometer.
Dismayed, she looks at the teller, "Wouldn't you know it, some asshole has my pen."

 

[ViperJeff]

hehehehehehehehee, my wife is a nurse, I'll be damned if she wasn't looking for her pen earlier in the day

 

[TheOl55]

State Trooper Pulls Over A Woman For Speeding.....

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
... Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps opens the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!

 

[Sgt. Rock]

Campfire humor

There's a Marine, an Airforce Commando, a Navy Seal and a Green Beret sitting around a campfire telling each-other how mean and tough they are.

the Marine says - "I can swim 50 miles and bite the head off a live chicken. One Marine is worth 5 other men."

the Airforce Commando says - "I can clear runways one-handed and kill a man with my bare hands. One Airforce Commando is worth 10 other men."

the Navy Seal says - "Yeah? Well I can dive up to 90 feet without air, and I'm an expert in demolitions. One Navy Seal is worth 13 other men."

the Green Beret just sat there all this time saying nothing, stirring the fire with his dick.

 

[kwo51]

Yep no brain no pain! Inseam was 30 by 14!

 

[ViperJeff]

OK, probably already posted.....

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CLjNJI54GMM]Archie Bunker on Gun Control - YouTube[/ame]