Joke of the day

[ninja man]

A pregnant woman is in the bank when the bank is robbed. A gunfight breaks out, and she is shot 3 times in the abdomen. She is rushed to the hospital. Miraculously, she is unharmed. After giving a full examination, though, the doctor tells her, "I have good and bad news for you. You are going to have triplets — but each baby has a bullet in it. Luckily, they have hit no vital organs, and eventually your children will pass the bullets naturally."

The woman has 3 healthy babies. Twelve years pass, and she has all but forgotten the incident in the bank.

One day, the first child, a daughter, comes to her mother and says, "Mom, the strangest thing just happened — I was using the toilet, and I passed a bullet." The mother explains everything, and she assures her daughter that everything is okay.

A few weeks later, the second child, also a daughter, comes to her mother and says, "Mom, the strangest thing just happened." The mother interrupts her and says, "You passed a bullet, right?" The mother goes on to tell the daughter the story.

Several weeks later, the third child, a son, comes to his mother and says, "Mom, the strangest thing just happened." The mother interrupts him and says, "You passed a bullet, right?" The son says, "No, Mom — I was masturbating and shot the dog!"

 

[Sgt. Rock]

Old Mussolini joke:

One day Mussolini decided he needed to give another propaganda speech to the masses in Rome but he thought he needed something more than the same old rhetoric, so II Duce asked his aid to bring him the Pope for some inspirational advice.

Couple hours later the Pope arrived in his white and golden splender and there seemed to be a mystic glow surrounding his Excellance. Even Mussolini was taken in by it and quickly motioned to the Pope to sit in his favorite chair by the fire.

The Pope slowly sat down and gathered his thoughts in silence. The room was oddly quiet as II Duce dropped to one knee in front of him and kissed his holy ring.

"Thank you Father for coming so quickly but my people need something inspirational today, for the war isn't going good...for my generals are incompetent and the troops are deserting by the thousands, the Americans have invaded Anzio, food is getting scarce, the Germans want to take over and my mistress wants to leave the country...please I need some guidance your Excellance" Mussolini pleaded.

The Pope looked down on Mussolini and simply smiled.

"My son if you can answer this one question I will ask for divine intervention to save your empire".

Mussolini was so overjoyed with this he started to cry. "Yes your Excellance ask your question" he said sobering.

The Pope placed his hand on his shoulder, "What was the first thing you should of requisitioned to your army before starting this war my son?"

Mussolini quickly thought long and hard..."hmmm maybe more tanks?..more rifles?..more boots?...but he could not answer.

"I give up Father what is the correct answer?".

"Four million white handkerchiefs my son."

 

[Sgt. Rock]

Anniversary Present:

Old Bill goes searching for a anniversary present for his wife when he goes into a department store and approaches a salesclerk.

"I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," Old Bill says, eyeing the attractive salesgirl, "but I don't know her size."

"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.

"Oh, yes," he answers. "Her hands are just slightly smaller that yours."

"Will there be anything else?" the sales girl queried as she wrapped the gloves.

"Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs a bra and panties."

 

[ninja man]

a man walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey. after he drinks it he looks into his coat pocket. he orders another shot, and once again looks into his pocket after taking the shot. this happens repeatedly. finally the bartender asks what he is doing. the man replies..... inside my pocket is a picture of my wife, when she starts to look good, i'll go home....

 

[Sgt. Rock]

The Pope goes to New York, and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, "You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?"

The driver is understandably hesitant and says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that."

But the Pope persists, "Please?"

The driver finally lets up, "Oh, alright, I can't really say no to the Pope."

So the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over.

The cop walks up and asks the Pope to wind the window down. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.

Cop: Chief, I have a problem.

Chief: What sort of problem?

Cop: Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit, but it's someone really important.

Chief: Important like the mayor?

Cop: No, no, much more important than that.

Chief: Important like the governor?

Cop: Way more important than that.

Chief: Like the president?

Cop: Much more important.

Chief: "Who's more important than the president?"

Cop: "I don't know but he has the Pope DRIVING for him!"

 

[Concealed 27]

plenty of guns

A guy cruises thru a stop sign and gets pulled over by a local policeman. Guy hands the cop his driver’s license, insurance verification, plus his concealed carry permit.

“Okay, Mr. Smith,” the cop says. “I see your CCW permit. Are you carrying today?”

“Yes, I am.”

“Well then, better tell me what you got.”

Smith says, “Well, I got a .357 revolver in my inside coat pocket. There’s a 9mm semi-auto in the glove box. And, I’ve got a .22 magnum derringer in my right boot.”

“Okay,” the cop says. “Anything else?”

“Yeah, back in the trunk, there’s an AR15 and a shotgun. That’s about it.”

“Mr. Smith, are you on your way to or from a gun range...?”

“Nope.”

“Well then, what are you afraid of...?”

“Not a damn thing...”

 

[oppo]

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


Supposedly, this actually took place.

 

[kwo51]

Both bilary and ostupid cheated to get on the Indiana ballet. Five years later and they are still laughing at us. Jokes on us.

 

[Sgt. Rock]

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. “Wake up, son. It’s time to go to school!”

“But why, Mom? I don’t want to go.”

“Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go.”

“Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!”

“Oh, that’s no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready.”

“Give me two reasons why I should go to school.”

“Well, for one, you’re 52 years old. And for another, you’re the Principal!”

 

[ninja man]

two guys were in a locker room changing, when one guy noticed the other guy had a cork up his ass. the first guy asked "hey what with the cork?" the second guy replies, "one day i found a lamp on the beach, so i rubbed it and a genie came out. he said that he would grant me three wishes" i said "no shit?"

 

[kwo51]

.Subject: MEN NEVER LISTEN

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to
get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.

A nurse noticed his predicament. Sir, she said “You may use the ladies room
if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he
had promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP, and a red one labeled
ATR.

Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon
his bottom.

What a nice felling, he thought. Men restrooms don't have nice things
like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced
the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed
his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable
pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender
loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the
ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a
nurse was staring down at him.

"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the
ATR button.

"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your
pillow."

MEN NEVER LISTEN

 

[Sgt. Rock]

Border Patrol

Tuan comes up to the border between Vietnam and China on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"

"Rice," answered Tuan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but rice. He detains Tuan overnight and has the rice analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure rice in the bags The guard releases Tuan, puts the rice into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"

"Rice," says Tuan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but rice. He gives the rice back to Tuan, and Tuan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Tuan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a noodles restaurant in Vietnam.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Tuan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

 

[Sgt. Rock]

Eleven people were dangling below a helicopter on a rope. There were ten Naval Officers and one Chief.

Since the rope was not strong enough to hold all the eleven, they decided that one of them had to let go to save all the others.

They could not decide who should be the volunteer.

Finally the Chief said he would let go of the rope since Chiefs are used to doing everything for the Navy. They forsake their family, don’t claim all of their expenses and do a lot of overtime without getting anything in return.

When he finished his moving speech all the Naval Officers began to clap…

Moral: Never underestimate the powers of a Chief.

 

[ninja man]

found this one....


A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!".

 

[Sgt. Rock]

Father O'Mally had been preaching at his church in Ireland for so long, that he decided to take a nice vacation. He had never been abroad, so he decided to go to the States.

He hopped on the first plane bound for Nevada and arrives at the Airport in Las Vegas.

As he is exiting the plane, someone in the airport runs up to him and exclaims, "Elvis! Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead Elvis! How have you been?"

Father O'Mally looks at her and says, "I'm not Elvis! I don't look a thing like him!" and walks quickly away.

The father finds a cab and hops in, he says to the cabby, "Take me to my hotel, please." The cabby turns and says, "Sure thing sir - Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead! I'm your number one fan! It's so great to see you!"

Father O'Mally is really annoyed now and says, "Shut up, you imbecile! I'm not Elvis! Now turn around and drive!" So, the cabby speeds up to the hotel.

Father O'Malley gets his things and walks up to the reception desk.

"Oh my God! Oh my God! It's you!" screams the hotel receptionist. "You're back Elvis! I knew this day would come. We've kept everything just the way you like it! Free cheeseburgers, peanut butter and banana fried sandwiches, masseurs, and a full liquor bar! I'm so glad you're back!"

Father O'Malley looks at the hotel clerk and says, "Thank you... Thank you very much!"

 

[Sgt. Rock]

Some Charlie Sheen jokes:

Q: How much cocaine can Charlie Sheen snort?
A: Enough to kill Two and a Half Men.

Q: What's a bigger lie than Lindsay Lohan pleading "Not Guilty"?
A: Charlie Sheen saying he's sober and a feminist.

Actor Charlie Sheen's Mercedes was stolen and driven off a cliff. The car thief didn't want the car, he just wanted to provide the perfect metaphor for Charlie Sheen's career.

Q: What's the name of the new Charlie Sheen sitcom?
A: Two and a Half Personalities

Q: Why is Charlie Sheen planning a trip to Australia?
A: He wants to watch his career go down the toilet counterclockwise.

Charlie Sheen's stolen car was found crashed at the bottom of a cliff. Sheen cleared himself of any involvement by claiming that at the time of the crime, he was home beating his wife.

Q: Why did LAPD take away Charlie Sheen's guns?
A: They were hoping it would stop him from shooting his mouth off.

Q: Why does Charlie Sheen say he has "Tiger's blood"?
A: Because his wife chased after him with a nine iron.

News reports note that Charlie Sheen's wife was arrested in 1996 for DUI, then later for cocaine possession. Which answers the question, "So, how did you guys meet?"

Q: What's the difference between Charlie Sheen and Leonardo DiCaprio?
A: Charlie knows what's it really like to be on a sinking ship.

Q: Is it true that the show "Two and a Half Men" will continue without Charlie Sheen?
A: Yes -- but they're renaming it to "Two Men".

The Hanes underwear company has suspended Charlie Sheen as spokesman. Sheen will instead become the new spokesman for Fruit-of-the-Loon.

Q: Is it true John Stamos was asked to replace Charlie Sheen on the show "Two and a Half Men"?
A: No. However, Martin Sheen has asked him to be his son.

Q: What is the Groundhog Day tradition for Charlie Sheen?
A: Charlie sticks his head out of his house, and if he sees his drug dealer, we can all count on six more weeks of porn stars.

 

[oppo]

 

[Sgt. Rock]

A woman is picked up by Dennis Rodman in a bar. They like each other and she goes back with him to his hotel room.

He removes his shirt revealing all his tattoos and she sees that on his arm is one which reads, "Reebok".

She thinks that's a bit odd and asks him about it. Dennis says, "When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for advertisement."

A bit later, his pants are off and she sees "Puma" tattooed on his leg. He gives the same explanation for the unusual tattoo.

Finally, the underwear comes off and she sees the word "AIDS" tattooed on his penis. She jumps back with shock.

"I'm not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!"

He says, "It's cool baby, in a minute it's going to say "ADIDAS".

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

[SWSS]

There was once a little keyan boy that dreamed of being The POTUS....wait this is the JOD threat, my bad, meant to put it on the nightmare thread!



Smiled though, HUH? :bleh:

 

[SilvrSRT10]

There was once a little keyan boy that dreamed of being The POTUS....wait this is the JOD threat, my bad, meant to put it on the nightmare thread!



Smiled though, HUH? :bleh:

"We Americans are so tired of being thought of as dumb asses by the rest of
the world that we went to the polls this past November and removed all
doubt." Clint Eastwood