a businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "this is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. it states that american indians have the longest average penis and polish men have the biggest average diameter. by the way, my name is jill. whats yours?" he replies, "tonto kawalski, nice to meet you."
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Joke of the day
- Thread starter RangerDanger
- Start date
Concealed 27
Full Access Member
Two cowboys are playing cards.......
Cowboy #1: "Three kings and two aces! Let's see you beat that!"
Cowboy #2: "I already have."
Cowboy #1: "That's impossible! What beats a hand like mine?"
Cowboy #2 (unholsters guns): "three deuces and a pair of 45's.
Cowboy #1: "Three kings and two aces! Let's see you beat that!"
Cowboy #2: "I already have."
Cowboy #1: "That's impossible! What beats a hand like mine?"
Cowboy #2 (unholsters guns): "three deuces and a pair of 45's.
Concealed 27
Full Access Member
Top 10 reasons to get a Gun over getting a Woman
#10 - YOU CAN TRADE AN OLD 44 FOR A NEW 22.
#9 - YOU CAN KEEP ONE HANDGUN AT HOME, AND HAVE ANOTHER FOR WHEN YOU'RE ON THE ROAD.
#8 - IF YOU ADMIRE A FRIEND'S HANDGUN, AND TELL HIM SO, HE WILL PROBABLY LET YOU TRY IT OUT A FEW TIMES.
#7 - YOUR PRIMARY HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU KEEP ANOTHER HANDGUN FOR A BACK UP.
#6 - YOUR HANDGUN WILL STAY WITH YOU EVEN IF YOU RUN OUT OF AMMO.
#5 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T TAKE UP A LOT OF CLOSET SPACE.
#4 - HANDGUNS FUNCTION NORMALLY EVERY DAY OF THE MONTH.
#3 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T ASK, "DO THESE NEW GRIPS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?
#2 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU GO TO SLEEP AFTER YOU USE IT.
And, the number one reason a handgun is favored over a woman...
#1 - YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A HANDGUN !!!
#10 - YOU CAN TRADE AN OLD 44 FOR A NEW 22.
#9 - YOU CAN KEEP ONE HANDGUN AT HOME, AND HAVE ANOTHER FOR WHEN YOU'RE ON THE ROAD.
#8 - IF YOU ADMIRE A FRIEND'S HANDGUN, AND TELL HIM SO, HE WILL PROBABLY LET YOU TRY IT OUT A FEW TIMES.
#7 - YOUR PRIMARY HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU KEEP ANOTHER HANDGUN FOR A BACK UP.
#6 - YOUR HANDGUN WILL STAY WITH YOU EVEN IF YOU RUN OUT OF AMMO.
#5 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T TAKE UP A LOT OF CLOSET SPACE.
#4 - HANDGUNS FUNCTION NORMALLY EVERY DAY OF THE MONTH.
#3 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T ASK, "DO THESE NEW GRIPS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?
#2 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU GO TO SLEEP AFTER YOU USE IT.
And, the number one reason a handgun is favored over a woman...
#1 - YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A HANDGUN !!!
Concealed 27
Full Access Member
I was once asked by a lady visiting if I had a gun in the house. I said I did.
She said 'Well I certainly hope it isn't loaded!'
To which I said, of course it is loaded, can't work without bullets!'
She then asked, 'Are you that afraid of someone evil coming into your house?'
My reply was, 'No not at all. I am not afraid of the house catching fire either, but I have fire extinguishers around, and they are all loaded too.' :bleh:
She said 'Well I certainly hope it isn't loaded!'
To which I said, of course it is loaded, can't work without bullets!'
She then asked, 'Are you that afraid of someone evil coming into your house?'
My reply was, 'No not at all. I am not afraid of the house catching fire either, but I have fire extinguishers around, and they are all loaded too.' :bleh:
Concealed 27
Full Access Member
A hunter has called 911.
Dispatcher:911 what is your emergency?
Hunter: I...I think my friend is dead! He just plopped down and died!
Dispatcher: Sir please calm down first make sure he is dead.
Hunter: Okay hold on.
*The dispatcher hears 2 distinct gunshots*
Hunter:Okay now what?
Dispatcher:911 what is your emergency?
Hunter: I...I think my friend is dead! He just plopped down and died!
Dispatcher: Sir please calm down first make sure he is dead.
Hunter: Okay hold on.
*The dispatcher hears 2 distinct gunshots*
Hunter:Okay now what?
oppo
Full Access Member
This should say wife instead
Sgt. Rock
Full Access Member
Hitler joke:
One morning der Fuhrer was pouring over maps in front of him, he
had different maps of England, North Africia, Russia and the United States.
After an hour or so he called in his Chief-of-Staff General Keitel, for he wanted to ask the General some questions.
"General Keitel why do we want to conquer England for?..for isn't it nothing
but full of gentle people, good beer and Oxford University.
"My Fuhrer..the General replies, England is our enemy, their navy threatens
our sealanes, their air force bombs our cities and Winston Churchill is simply full of it"
Hitler just simply shook his head
"Ok then General why do we want to conquer North Africia for?..for isn't it nothing but a big pile of sand with camels and hordes of flies".
"My Fuhrer..the General replies, North Africia is strategically important for the Suez Canal, for the huge oilfields to supply our armies and a chance to
defeat Montgomery in the field".
Hitler just simply shook his head once again.
"Ok then General why do we want to conquer Russia for?..for isn't it nothing but full of muddy roads, illiterate peasants and harsh winters".
"My Fuhrer..the General replies, Russia is our sworn enemy, for we need more living space and food to take care of our people, just like you mention in Mein Kampf".
Hitler simply shook his head once again.
"Ok then General why do we not want to conquer the United States then?"..for they have vast resources, the best universities and sunny California".
"My Fuhrer..the General replies suddenly at attention, the United States has John Wayne".
One morning der Fuhrer was pouring over maps in front of him, he
had different maps of England, North Africia, Russia and the United States.
After an hour or so he called in his Chief-of-Staff General Keitel, for he wanted to ask the General some questions.
"General Keitel why do we want to conquer England for?..for isn't it nothing
but full of gentle people, good beer and Oxford University.
"My Fuhrer..the General replies, England is our enemy, their navy threatens
our sealanes, their air force bombs our cities and Winston Churchill is simply full of it"
Hitler just simply shook his head
"Ok then General why do we want to conquer North Africia for?..for isn't it nothing but a big pile of sand with camels and hordes of flies".
"My Fuhrer..the General replies, North Africia is strategically important for the Suez Canal, for the huge oilfields to supply our armies and a chance to
defeat Montgomery in the field".
Hitler just simply shook his head once again.
"Ok then General why do we want to conquer Russia for?..for isn't it nothing but full of muddy roads, illiterate peasants and harsh winters".
"My Fuhrer..the General replies, Russia is our sworn enemy, for we need more living space and food to take care of our people, just like you mention in Mein Kampf".
Hitler simply shook his head once again.
"Ok then General why do we not want to conquer the United States then?"..for they have vast resources, the best universities and sunny California".
"My Fuhrer..the General replies suddenly at attention, the United States has John Wayne".
Jo6pak
Full Access Member
Part of me says that I can't keep drinking like this
The other part of me says, "Don't listen to him, he's drunk."
The other part of me says, "Don't listen to him, he's drunk."
a man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. on this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. when he did this she lets out a sigh. the man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. the man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan. from this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. the man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. the doctor asks what happened to which the man replies "she choked."
RangerDanger
Full Access Member
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.
'Thanks,' the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer. He noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.'
The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'
'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.
'Thanks,' the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer. He noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.'
The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'
RangerDanger
Full Access Member
World's Shortest Fairy Tale*
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
The End
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
The End
Sgt. Rock
Full Access Member
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.
Sgt. Rock
Full Access Member
A California Valley Girl was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hail storm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.
The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So the California Valley Girl went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her roommate, another California Valley Girl, came home and said, "What are you doing?"
The first California Valley Girl told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."
The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So the California Valley Girl went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her roommate, another California Valley Girl, came home and said, "What are you doing?"
The first California Valley Girl told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."
TheOl55
Full Access Member
Little Girl on a Plane
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.
"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics, but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shit?"
And then she went back to reading her book.
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.
"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics, but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shit?"
And then she went back to reading her book.
Sgt. Rock
Full Access Member
President Putin and his party members are touring the coutryside in six big black limousines to check on their five year plan for potato crops.
They soon stop at one such farm outside of Moscow.
President Putin gets out and approaches an old bent over farmer.
He asks him, "Comrade farmer, how large will the potato harvest be this year?"
The farmer replies, "The potato harvest this year will be so large that
it will reach into the heavens!"
President Putin replies sternly, "Comrade farmer!, need I remind you that
government policy states that there is no god, so therefore, there can
be no heaven!"
Says the farmer with a big sigh, "Ah, comrade Putin....I suppose you are right. And it is just as well...because this year there will no potatoes."
They soon stop at one such farm outside of Moscow.
President Putin gets out and approaches an old bent over farmer.
He asks him, "Comrade farmer, how large will the potato harvest be this year?"
The farmer replies, "The potato harvest this year will be so large that
it will reach into the heavens!"
President Putin replies sternly, "Comrade farmer!, need I remind you that
government policy states that there is no god, so therefore, there can
be no heaven!"
Says the farmer with a big sigh, "Ah, comrade Putin....I suppose you are right. And it is just as well...because this year there will no potatoes."
Sgt. Rock
Full Access Member
Giuseppe walks into work, and he says, "Ey, Tony! You know who`s-a George Washington?" Tony says, "No, Giuseppe, who`s-a George Washington?"
He says, "Hah! George-a Washington`s the first-a President of-a United States. I`m-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen."
A couple of days later, Giuseppe walks into work and says. "Ey, Tony, you know who`s-a Abraham Lincoln?" Tony says, "No, Giuseppe, who`s-a Abraham Lincoln?"
He says, "Hah! Abraham-a Lincoln is-a sixteenth President of-a the United States. I`m-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen.
" A guy in the back of the shop yells, "Yo, Giuseppe . . . you know who Fishlips Lorenzo is?"
He says, "No. Who`s-a Fishlips Lorenzo is?"
The guy yells, "That`s the guy who`s-a bangin` your wife while you`re in night school."
He says, "Hah! George-a Washington`s the first-a President of-a United States. I`m-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen."
A couple of days later, Giuseppe walks into work and says. "Ey, Tony, you know who`s-a Abraham Lincoln?" Tony says, "No, Giuseppe, who`s-a Abraham Lincoln?"
He says, "Hah! Abraham-a Lincoln is-a sixteenth President of-a the United States. I`m-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen.
" A guy in the back of the shop yells, "Yo, Giuseppe . . . you know who Fishlips Lorenzo is?"
He says, "No. Who`s-a Fishlips Lorenzo is?"
The guy yells, "That`s the guy who`s-a bangin` your wife while you`re in night school."
Sgt. Rock
Full Access Member
An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.
The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
The war-weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans! You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest but, after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady, may I sit there? I'm very tired."
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up. "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing: you eat holding the fork in the wrong hand, you drive your 'automobiles' on the wrong side of the road and now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
The war-weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans! You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest but, after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady, may I sit there? I'm very tired."
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up. "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing: you eat holding the fork in the wrong hand, you drive your 'automobiles' on the wrong side of the road and now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
