ViperJeff
Administrator
The Great Prognosticator!!!
[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7fqCS7Y_kME]Archie Bunker on Democrats - YouTube[/ame]
[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7fqCS7Y_kME]Archie Bunker on Democrats - YouTube[/ame]
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Joke of the day
- Thread starter RangerDanger
- Start date
oppo
Full Access Member
[ame]www.youtube.com/watch?v=GzFWRPiNXOI&feature=youtube_gdata_player[/ame]
oppo
Full Access Member
[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ndETIVIsSHs&feature=youtube_gdata_player]Archie Bunker on Guns vs. VD - YouTube[/ame]
oppo
Full Access Member
ViperJeff
Administrator
link broke....
oppo
Full Access Member
I guess you have to be signed in to that sight to see it.
This should work, though.
This should work, though.
ViperJeff
Administrator
hehehehehehehehehehehe
but..... that would make 12 years of weiner holding
but..... that would make 12 years of weiner holding
oppo
Full Access Member
...
Jo6pak
Full Access Member
^^^that is not funny......it's sad:sad72:
SilvrSRT10
Super Moderator
I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.
Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.
Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.
A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. It was that snake, with two more frogs.
Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.
Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.
A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. It was that snake, with two more frogs.
SilvrSRT10
Super Moderator
ViperJeff
Administrator
TheOl55
Full Access Member
A man named Bill woke up on his birthday. His wife and kids didn't even say good morning to him. So, he left for work in a huff. His receptionist, Joanna, said happy birthday. "Thanks, Joanna. That's the nicest thing anyone's said to me all day." Bill relied, pleased. So he worked until his lunch break, when Joanna asked if he fancied a lunch. Instead of taking their usual lunch just outside, they went to a big beautiful bistro. " My apartment is just around the corner. Would you like to visit?" Joanna asked. "Sure, why not?" Bill replied. At her apartment, Bill sat down on the couch. Joanna said she'd be right back and stepped into the bedroom. Minutes later, she came back out followed by Bills family, friends, and co-workers. Bill just sat there... naked.
TheOl55
Full Access Member
USA Senior Health Care Solution
So you're a senior citizen and the government says no health care for you, what do you do? Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. Your are allowed to shoot 2 senators and 2 representatives. Of Course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head, and all the health care you need! New teeth, no problem. Need glasses, great. New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart? All covered. And who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care. Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes any more.
IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT?!
So you're a senior citizen and the government says no health care for you, what do you do? Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. Your are allowed to shoot 2 senators and 2 representatives. Of Course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head, and all the health care you need! New teeth, no problem. Need glasses, great. New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart? All covered. And who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care. Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes any more.
IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT?!
TheOl55
Full Access Member
Sounds like someone needs a hug...............
Jo6pak
Full Access Member
Father and son shark are having an afternoon swim, when they look up and a boat overturns and spills all the tourists into the water.
"Father can we go eat them" the son asked
"No" replied the father, "Just swim around them for a while"
So they swam, son asked " Can we eat them now Father",
"No son, just swim around them with your fin sticking up through the water" the Father replied.
So they swam around the tourist just under the surface for several minutes, finally the son asked " Can we eat them now",
"Yes" replied the Father, so they swam in and ate all the tourists.
On the way home the son asked" Why did we have to swim around them for all that time"
"Well son didn't they taste better with the Shit scared out of them" replied the Father.
"Father can we go eat them" the son asked
"No" replied the father, "Just swim around them for a while"
So they swam, son asked " Can we eat them now Father",
"No son, just swim around them with your fin sticking up through the water" the Father replied.
So they swam around the tourist just under the surface for several minutes, finally the son asked " Can we eat them now",
"Yes" replied the Father, so they swam in and ate all the tourists.
On the way home the son asked" Why did we have to swim around them for all that time"
"Well son didn't they taste better with the Shit scared out of them" replied the Father.
Concealed 27
Full Access Member
Lots of it...LOL
Why Marines should no cook!!!!
GOD LOVES THE MARINE CORPS
MRE dinner date, the following is a true
story....told from the point of view of a young
Marine
I had a date the other night at my place. On the
phone the day before, the girl asked me to "Cook her something she's
never had before" for dinner. After many minutes of scratching my
head over what to make, I finally settled on something she has
DEFINITELY never eaten.
I got out my trusty case of MRE's. Meal,
Ready-to-Eat. Field rations that when eaten in their
entirety contain 3000+ calories. Here's what I
made:
I took three of the Ham Slices out of their plastic
packets, took out three of the Pork Chops, three
packets of Chicken-a-la- King, and eight packets of dehydrated butter
noodles and some dehydrated/rehydrated rice. I cooked the Ham Slices
and Pork Chops in one pan, sauteed in shaved garlic and olive oil.
In another pot, I blended the Chicken a-la-king,
noodles, and rice together to make a sort of mush
that looked suspiciously like succotash. I added
some spices, and blended everything together in a
glass pan that I then cooked in the oven for about
35 minutes at 450 degrees.
When I took it out, it looked like, well, ham
slices, pork chops, and a bed of yellow poop. I
covered the tops of the meat in the MRE cheese
(kinda like Velveeta) and added some green sprinkly
things from one of my spice cans (hey, if it's got
green sprinkly things on it, it looks fancy right?)
For dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes, mashed
'em up, added five packets of cocoa powder, powdered
coffee cream, and some water. I heated it up and
stirred it until it looked like a sort of chunky
gelatinous organism, and I sprinkled powdered sugar
on top of it. Voila--Ranger Pudding.
For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle
of Military Special Vodka (yes, they DO make a type
of liquor named "Military Special"--it sells for
$4.35 per fifth at the Class Six) and mixed in four
packets of "Electrolytes - 1 each - Cherry
flavored" (I swear, the packet says that). It
looked like an eerie kool-aid with sparkles in it
(that was the electrolytes I guess... could've been
leftover sand from Egypt ).
I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers in the
middle, and set the table with my best set of Ralph
Lauren Academy-series China (that shit is
EXPENSIVE... my set of 8 place settings cost me
over $600 on sale at the Lejeune PX ), and put the
alcoholic drink in a crystal wine decanter.
She came over, and I had some appetizers already
made, of MRE spaghetti-with- meatballs, set in
small cups. She saw the dinner, saw the food, and
said "This looks INCREDIBLE!! !"
We dug in, and she was loving the food. Throughout
the meal, she kept asking me how long it took me to
make it, and kept remarking that I obviously knew a
thing or two about cooking fine meals. She kind of
balked at the makeshift "wine" I had set out, but
after she tried it I guess she liked it because she
drank four glasses during dinner.
At the end of the main course, when I served the
dessert, she squealed with delight at the "Chocolate
mousse" I had made. Huh? Chocolate what?
Okay... yeah... its Chocolate Mousse. Took me HOURS
to make... yup
Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused
herself to use my rest room. While she was in there,
I heard her say softly to herself "uh oh" and a
resounding but petite fart punctuated her utterance
of dismay.
Let the games begin.
She sprayed about half a can of air freshener (Air Freshener, 1each,
Orange scent. Yup. The military even makes smell-good) and returned
to the couch, this time with an obvious pained look.
After 10 more minutes she excused herself again,
and retreated to the bathroom for the second time, I
could hear her say "What the hell is WRONG with
me???" as she again send flatulent shock waves into
the porcelain bowl. This time, they sounded kinda
wet, and I heard the toilet paper roll being
employed, and again, LOTS more air freshener.
Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as she decides
to sit on the chair instead of next to me. She sits
on my chair, knees pulled up to her chest, kind of
rocking back and forth slightly. Suddenly, without
a word, she ROCKETED up and FLEW to the bathroom,
slammed the door, and didn't come out for 30 minutes.
I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to
hear me laughing so hard that tears were streaming
down my cheeks.
She came out with a slightly gray pallor to her
face, and said "I am SOOOOOO sorry. I have NO idea
what is wrong with me. I am so embarrassed; I can't
believe I keep running to your bathroom!!" I gave
her an Imodium AD, and she finally settled down and
relaxed.
Later on, she asked me again what I had made for
dinner, because she had enjoyed it so much. I calmly
took her into the kitchen and showed her all the
used MRE bags and packets in the trash can.
After explaining to her that she had eaten roughly
9,000 calories of "Marine Corps Field Rations" she
turned stark white, looked at me incredulously, and
said "I ate 9,000 calories of dehydrated food that
was made 3 years ago?"
After I rogered, she grabbed her coat & keys, and
took off without a word.
She called me yesterday. Seems she couldn't shit
for 5 days, and when she finally did, the smell was
so bad, her roommate could smell it from down the
hall. She also told me she had been working out
nonstop to combat the high caloric intake, and that
she never wanted me to cook dinner for her again,
unless she was PERSONALLY there to inspect the food beforehand.
It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually
and said that that was the first time she'd ever
crapped in a guy's house on a date. She'd been so
upset by it she was in tears in the bathroom while
I had been in tears on the couch.
I know ... I'm an asshole, but it was still a funny night
GOD LOVES THE MARINE CORPS
MRE dinner date, the following is a true
story....told from the point of view of a young
Marine
I had a date the other night at my place. On the
phone the day before, the girl asked me to "Cook her something she's
never had before" for dinner. After many minutes of scratching my
head over what to make, I finally settled on something she has
DEFINITELY never eaten.
I got out my trusty case of MRE's. Meal,
Ready-to-Eat. Field rations that when eaten in their
entirety contain 3000+ calories. Here's what I
made:
I took three of the Ham Slices out of their plastic
packets, took out three of the Pork Chops, three
packets of Chicken-a-la- King, and eight packets of dehydrated butter
noodles and some dehydrated/rehydrated rice. I cooked the Ham Slices
and Pork Chops in one pan, sauteed in shaved garlic and olive oil.
In another pot, I blended the Chicken a-la-king,
noodles, and rice together to make a sort of mush
that looked suspiciously like succotash. I added
some spices, and blended everything together in a
glass pan that I then cooked in the oven for about
35 minutes at 450 degrees.
When I took it out, it looked like, well, ham
slices, pork chops, and a bed of yellow poop. I
covered the tops of the meat in the MRE cheese
(kinda like Velveeta) and added some green sprinkly
things from one of my spice cans (hey, if it's got
green sprinkly things on it, it looks fancy right?)
For dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes, mashed
'em up, added five packets of cocoa powder, powdered
coffee cream, and some water. I heated it up and
stirred it until it looked like a sort of chunky
gelatinous organism, and I sprinkled powdered sugar
on top of it. Voila--Ranger Pudding.
For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle
of Military Special Vodka (yes, they DO make a type
of liquor named "Military Special"--it sells for
$4.35 per fifth at the Class Six) and mixed in four
packets of "Electrolytes - 1 each - Cherry
flavored" (I swear, the packet says that). It
looked like an eerie kool-aid with sparkles in it
(that was the electrolytes I guess... could've been
leftover sand from Egypt ).
I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers in the
middle, and set the table with my best set of Ralph
Lauren Academy-series China (that shit is
EXPENSIVE... my set of 8 place settings cost me
over $600 on sale at the Lejeune PX ), and put the
alcoholic drink in a crystal wine decanter.
She came over, and I had some appetizers already
made, of MRE spaghetti-with- meatballs, set in
small cups. She saw the dinner, saw the food, and
said "This looks INCREDIBLE!! !"
We dug in, and she was loving the food. Throughout
the meal, she kept asking me how long it took me to
make it, and kept remarking that I obviously knew a
thing or two about cooking fine meals. She kind of
balked at the makeshift "wine" I had set out, but
after she tried it I guess she liked it because she
drank four glasses during dinner.
At the end of the main course, when I served the
dessert, she squealed with delight at the "Chocolate
mousse" I had made. Huh? Chocolate what?
Okay... yeah... its Chocolate Mousse. Took me HOURS
to make... yup
Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused
herself to use my rest room. While she was in there,
I heard her say softly to herself "uh oh" and a
resounding but petite fart punctuated her utterance
of dismay.
Let the games begin.
She sprayed about half a can of air freshener (Air Freshener, 1each,
Orange scent. Yup. The military even makes smell-good) and returned
to the couch, this time with an obvious pained look.
After 10 more minutes she excused herself again,
and retreated to the bathroom for the second time, I
could hear her say "What the hell is WRONG with
me???" as she again send flatulent shock waves into
the porcelain bowl. This time, they sounded kinda
wet, and I heard the toilet paper roll being
employed, and again, LOTS more air freshener.
Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as she decides
to sit on the chair instead of next to me. She sits
on my chair, knees pulled up to her chest, kind of
rocking back and forth slightly. Suddenly, without
a word, she ROCKETED up and FLEW to the bathroom,
slammed the door, and didn't come out for 30 minutes.
I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to
hear me laughing so hard that tears were streaming
down my cheeks.
She came out with a slightly gray pallor to her
face, and said "I am SOOOOOO sorry. I have NO idea
what is wrong with me. I am so embarrassed; I can't
believe I keep running to your bathroom!!" I gave
her an Imodium AD, and she finally settled down and
relaxed.
Later on, she asked me again what I had made for
dinner, because she had enjoyed it so much. I calmly
took her into the kitchen and showed her all the
used MRE bags and packets in the trash can.
After explaining to her that she had eaten roughly
9,000 calories of "Marine Corps Field Rations" she
turned stark white, looked at me incredulously, and
said "I ate 9,000 calories of dehydrated food that
was made 3 years ago?"
After I rogered, she grabbed her coat & keys, and
took off without a word.
She called me yesterday. Seems she couldn't shit
for 5 days, and when she finally did, the smell was
so bad, her roommate could smell it from down the
hall. She also told me she had been working out
nonstop to combat the high caloric intake, and that
she never wanted me to cook dinner for her again,
unless she was PERSONALLY there to inspect the food beforehand.
It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually
and said that that was the first time she'd ever
crapped in a guy's house on a date. She'd been so
upset by it she was in tears in the bathroom while
I had been in tears on the couch.
I know ... I'm an asshole, but it was still a funny night
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