Joke of the day

[RangerDanger]

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to crawl the four blocks home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"

Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, "What makes you say that?"

"The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again!"

 

[RangerDanger]

Puttin out....

Inever quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.F

FOR EXAMPLE:One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her.. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store..

I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.'

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her

 

[RangerDanger]

The Journey of a Man

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless... So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits

 

[TheOl55]

Now That's a Joke...........

 

[RangerDanger]

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!*Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.. .?I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room..Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.. I had no control over the drooling.Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.s.... My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!

 

[RangerDanger]

Traveling down the interstate and needing to use the restroom,*I stop at a rest area and head to the restroom.*I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:*

"Hi, how are you?"*

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom and I don't know what got into me, but I answered, somewhat embarrassed,*"Doin' just fine!"

And the other person says:*"So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:*"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"*

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question."Can I come over?"*

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them*"No..I'm a little busy right now!!!"*

Then I hear the person say nervously... "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions"

 

[Sgt. Rock]

Two Irish buddies walked into their local pub one afternoon and sat down at their favorite stools along the bar. Paddy the bartender slowly walked over to the old gents and asked them what they wanted.

"Paddy my dear friend... O'Malley and me would like two pints of Guinness and two bowls of your world famous stew..and put the tab on my bill"..explained old McTavish.

"Why thank you Mick..that's mighty kind of you" explained O'Malley.

"Ah don't mention it..that's what friends are for".

After an hour or so consuming another round of Guinness and that world famous stew..O'Malley stood up and explained to McTavish he had to go to the bathroom, for the stew was doing a number on his stomach.

"Hold my spot Mick..I'll be back in awhile" and he left.

After a bit old McTavish's stomach started churning too and told Paddy to hold their places and headed for the bathroom too.

O'Malley was still sitting on the john when his friend walked in. McTavish found a spot and as he dropped his pants, several coins fell out and dropped down into the open hole.

As O'Malley watched in astonishment..his friend reached back and removed from his wallet wads of paper money and threw it all down the crapper.

"Mother of Mary Mick..why did you throw all of that money down the shitter?".

"Why my friend...you don't think I'm going to reach down inside just for those damn coins do you!".

 

[RangerDanger]

Yesterday I was buying a 2 large bags of Purina dog chow at Wal-Mart for my dogs Dexter, Gypsy, Sky, & Blade.

I was about to check out when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. (What did she think, that I had an elephant?)

Since I had little else to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time.

On the bright side, though, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet, and that the way it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry, and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me.

I told her no - I had stopped in the middle of the parking lot to lick my butt and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!

Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore.

 

[RangerDanger]

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden..

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.

Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.*

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.

He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.'

They're mating,' her father replied.*

'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.

'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.*

'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'*

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat...*'Well, we're not having any of that gay shit in our garden' she said.

 

[RangerDanger]

Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made passionate love on his desk right then and there!"

The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"

The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?"

 

[RangerDanger]

Getting Even

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.'

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.' He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.

My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'.

They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.

He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, 'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!' Then he closed the door.

Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!

 

[TheOl55]

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and
preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like
most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the
following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. (Name Deleted),

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in
our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to
ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, are listed below and are documented by our video
surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
people’s carts when they weren’t looking.


2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at
5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to
the women’s restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away.” This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from
her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing
management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms
on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.


7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children of shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows
and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children
obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can’t you people just leave me alone?'
EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as
a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his '; Madonna
look by using different sizes of funnels.


13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES
AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, and then yelled very loudly, Hey! There’s no toilet paper in
here.' One of the clerks passed out.

 

[Sgt. Rock]

20 ways you can tell Arizona snowbirds are from Minnesota

1.) They all eat at 4pm and go to bed right after Wheel-of-Fortune
2.) They keep leaving their turn signal on while driving
3.) They can spell Minneapolis correctly
4.) They all meet at Walgreens to discuss their aches and pains
5.) They dial 911 because that can't see their Vikings on television
6.) They drive to Flagstaff just to see the snow
7.) They wear their thermo underwear even to church
8.) Get's above 70 degrees and they stay inside to play bingo
9.) Anything stronger than ketchup is ignored
10.) They have one of those piss-on the Packers stickers on their golf carts
11.) Naps are mandatory after lunch
12.) They drive ten miles-per-hour slower than anyone else
13.) They all come from a family of 18
14.) Their RV's smell like ludafisk
15.) They think Jesse Ventura is still their governor
16.) Formal attire is jeans, flannel shirt, suspenders and a john derre hat
17.) The border guards at Los Algodones know them by their first names
18.) They think that ice-fishing should have it's own outdoor channel
19.) Everyone knows someone by the name of Lars
20.) They brag more about their snowplows back home than their own kids

 

[RangerDanger]

Here's the scenario:

*You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house - mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit - shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes. Right in the middle of this great home improvement project, you realize you need to run to Wal-Mart to get something to help complete the job.*Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's:

Stop what you are doing.*Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes.*Check yourself in the mirror and flex.*Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane.*You went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's:*

Stop what you are doing.*Put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes.*You married the hot chick, so no need for much else.*Wash your hands and comb your hair.*Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it.*Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell.The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40's:*

Stop what you are doing.*Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts.*Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands.*Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty and you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart.*Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.*The spicy young thing at the register is your daughter's age, and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50's:*

Stop what you are doing.*Put a hat on. Wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt.*Change shoes because you don't want to get dirt in your new sports car.*Check yourself in the mirror and swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat.*The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it.*Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms.'

In your 60's:*

Stop what you are doing.*No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog poop off your shoes.The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's.*You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.*The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on, so you’re not sure.

In your 70's:*

Stop what you are doing.*Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your prescriptions ready, too.*Don't even notice the dog poop on your shoes.*The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.

In your 80's:*

Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again.*Now you remember you needed to go to Wal-Mart.*Go to Wal-Mart and wander around trying to think what the hell it is you're looking for.*Fart out loud and you think you heard someone call out your name.*You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door

 

[Sgt. Rock]

Perks Of Reaching 60 and Heading Towards 70

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are more likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run anywhere.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, 'Did I wake you?
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can have super at 4pm.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
11. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
12. You sing along with elevator music.
13. Your eyes won't get much worse.
14. Your investment health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
15. Your joints are a more accurate meterorologists than the weather channel.
16. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
17. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size
18. You can't remember who sent you this list.
19. You remember who won the presidential election in 1968 but can't remember where you put your car keys.
20. You notice too all of this print is bigger for your convenience.

 

[kwo51]

Careful you might hurt my feeling, only one left. Now is this the Rolaids forum?

 

[Sgt. Rock]

Careful you might hurt my feeling, only one left. Now is this the Rolaids forum?

Q: What do you call a gay guy in a wheelchair?


A:Rolaids

:uhoh2:

 

[kwo51]

Or in the ocean.Bait

 

[ninja man]

i have posted these in the raptor forum so i will just repost them here...


a father and son are talking about sex when the son asks "dad, what does a pussy look like?" the dad asks "before or after sex?" the son replies "before sex" the dad says, "have you ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red petals?" the son says "ok, what about after sex?" the dad replies "have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonaise?"

 

[Sgt. Rock]

I don't think that was real funny.