Joke of the day

[Sgt. Rock]

How to tell apart pilots by the way they treat the snakes:

Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, delivers two weeks after due date.

F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses target due to weather.

AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well on infra-red.

UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake starts bonfire to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into the fire.

B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.

 

[ninja man]

military hand signals

 

[ninja man]

found the talibans new secret weapon....

 

[TheOl55]

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."

The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."

He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"

He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"

"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

 

[TheOl55]

How are women and tornadoes alike?

They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

 

[TheOl55]

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

 

[RangerDanger]

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."*

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.*

When he finished it,he said, "Quick, bring me another beer.*It's gonna start."*

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.*

When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."*

That's it! She blows her top! "You bastard!*You come in here, sit your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave.*Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash clothes and iron all day long?"*

The husband sighed. "Oh Shit - it's started!"

 

[kwo51]

Sheep with a rocket pod may be an evangelical christian !!!!!!!!

 

[RangerDanger]

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?

The father thought for a moment, then answered, go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.

So the boy went to his mother and asked, Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?

The mother replied, of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!

The boy then went to his sister and asked, would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?

The girl replied, Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?

The boy then went to his brother and asked, Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?

Of course, the brother replied. Do you know what a million bucks would buy?

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?

The boy replied, Yes, potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars.But realistically, we're living with two hookers and a homo!

 

[RangerDanger]

Two guys meet at the diner for breakfast. An attractive waitress approaches their table in atight, low cut dress and asks them what they would like. “I’ll have biscuits ‘n gravy, with aside order of tits...I, I mean grits!” The waitress storms off, and the guys says to his buddy“man, I do that all the time.” His buddy says “don’t sweat it, happened to me last weekwith the wife.” It did? “Yup, I meant to say, honey, pass me the potatoes, but instead said‘bitch, you fucked up my life."

 

[RangerDanger]

There's a drunk walking down the street....one foot on the curb, one on the street, one foot on the curb, one on the street.

A policeman stops him and says, "Hey, you drunk?"

Drunk says, "Thank god...I thought I was crippled!"

 

[RangerDanger]

Barack Obama was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he*tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing*pulled him out of the water.

He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever*they wanted.*

The first kid said, 'I want to go to Disneyland' Barack said, 'No problem, I'll take you*there on my special president's airplane.'*

The second kid said, 'I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's*shoes.

Barack said, 'I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan*sign them!*

The third kid said, 'I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV*and stereo headset!*

Barack was a little perplexed by this and said, 'But you don't look*like you're handicapped.'*

The kid said, 'I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from*drowning!'

 

[RangerDanger]

The Wrong Bitch...
The train was quite crowded, so the U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?' The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'This time the Marine didn't say a word, he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked,'Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!'An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up,'Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road and now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window.'

 

[TheOl55]

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION -
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL -
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC -
"Because I said so, that's why."

My Mother taught me more LOGIC -
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT -
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY -
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS -
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONIST -
"Will you "look" at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA -
"You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER -
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS -
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen THEN?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY -
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION -
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY -
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION -
"Just wait until we get home."

My Mother taught me about RECEIVING -
"You are going to get it when we get home!"

My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE -
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD -
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

My Mother taught me ESP -
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"

My mother taught me HUMOR -
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT -
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My Mother taught me about GENETICS -
"You're just like your father."

My Mother taught me about my ROOTS -
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE -
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

And my all time favorite... JUSTICE -
"One day you'll have kids ... and I hope they turn out just like you!"

 

[RangerDanger]

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.

 

[RangerDanger]

Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage,and take my shoes off before I go into the house. I sneak up the stairs, and get undressed in the bathroom. Then I stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I tiptoe into the bedroom and ease into bed. My wife STILL wakes up, and yells at mefor staying out so late!"*

His friend looks at him and says, " Well, you're obviously taking thewrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm upthe steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush,throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and shout, WHO'S HORNY?????!!! And she acts like she's sound asleep!!*

It works every time!!!

 

[RangerDanger]

What's the difference between a penis and a bonus?*





Your wife will always blow your bonus!

 

[Sgt. Rock]

Peyton Manning & Tom Brady, after living full lives, died and went to heaven.

God was showing them around. They came to two modest little houses, one with a faded Colts flag in the window and one with a faded Patriots flag in the window.

'These houses are yours for eternity, Peyton and Tom,' said God. 'These are very special; not everyone gets a house up here.'

Peyton and Tom felt very special, indeed, and walked up to their homes.

On their way up the porch, they noticed another house just around the corner.

It was a 3-story mansion with a green and gold sidewalk, a 50 foot tall flagpole with an enormous Packers flag, and in every window, a cheesehead.

Peyton and Tom looked at God and said, 'God, we're not trying to be ungrateful, but we have a question. We were all-pro quarterbacks, and we won many Super Bowls, and we even went to the Hall of Fame.'

God said, 'So what do you want to know?'

'Well, why does Brett Favre get a better house than us?'

God chuckled and said, 'Peyton and Tom, that's not Brett Favre's house.'

'It's mine.'

 

[TheOl55]

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What is that, a bonus? I think the cycle is all backwards. You should die first. Get it out of the way. Then live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young. You get a gold watch and you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs and alcohol. You party. You get ready for High School. You go to grade school and become a kid. You play. You have no responsibilities. You become a baby. You go into the womb. You spend your last nine months floating...you finish off as an orgasm.

 

[RangerDanger]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband.That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different...................................You didn't tell me you had a prescription!"