Joke of the day

[RangerDanger]

A man walks in to a bank and gets into line. When it is his turn he pulls out a gun and robs the bank, he then turns to the man behind him and asks "did you see me here?" The man says "Yes", and the bank robber shoots him in the head. The robber walks up to a couple and asks the man "Did you see me here?"; the man replies "No, but my wife did."

 

[RangerDanger]

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.*

Ralph and Edna were patients in a mental hospital. One day, while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He immediately sank to the bottom of the pool.*Edna promptly jumped in to save him.

She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the hospital administrator became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.*When the administrator went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis*situation by jumping in the pool and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."*

Edna replied, "Ralph didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

 

[RangerDanger]

Texas Chili*

*Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better! For those of you who have lived in Texas,*you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.*The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:*

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".*Here are the scorecards from the event:*

Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili*

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.*
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.*
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.*

Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.*
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken*seriously.*
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.*

Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili*J

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.*
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.*J
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.*

Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic*

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.*
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods,not much of a chili.*
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue,but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?*

Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover*

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.*
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.*
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by*pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those red necks.*

Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety*

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.*
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.*
Judge #3-- I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat*through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.*

Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili*

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.*
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.*
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.*

Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili*

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too*bold spicy enough to declare its existence.*
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild*nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out,*fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's*going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

 

[RangerDanger]

PERFECT DAY FOR A WOMAN:*

8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses.*
8:30 Weigh 5 lbs. lighter than yesterday.*
8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants.*
9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil.*
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer.*
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, and comb out.*
12:00 Lunch with best friend at an outdoor cafe.*
12:45 Notice ex-boyfriend's wife, she has gained 30 lbs..*
1:00 Shopping with friends.*
3:00 Nap.*
4:00 A dozen roses delivered by florist. Card is from a secret admirer.*
4:15 Light workout at club followed by a gentle massage*
5:30 Pick outfit for dinner. Primp before mirror.*
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing.*
10:00 Hot shower. Alone.*
10:30 Make love.*
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.*
11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms.*



PERFECT DAY FOR A MAN:*

6:00 Alarm.*
6:15 Blowjob.*
6:30 Massive dump while reading the sports section.*
7:00 Breakfast. Filet Mignon, eggs, toast and coffee.*
7:30 Limo arrives.*
7:45 Bloody Mary en route to airport.*
8:15 Private jet to Augusta, Georgia.*
9:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club.*
9:45 Play front nine at Augusta, finish 2 under par.*
11:45 Lunch. 2 dozen oysters on the half shell. 3 Heinekens.*
12:15 Blowjob.*
12:30 Play back nine at Augusta, finish 4 under par.*
2:15 Limo back to airport. Drink 2 Bombay martinis.*
2:30 Private jet to Nassau, Bahamas. Nap.*
3:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with topless female crew.*
4:30 Catch world record light tackle marlin-1249 lbs.*
5:00 Jet back home. En route, get massage from naked supermodel.*
7:00 Watch CNN Newsflash. Obama resigns.*
7:30 Dinner. Lobster appetizers, 1963 Dom Perignon, 20 Oz. New York strip.*
9:00 Relax after dinner with 1789 Augler Cognac and Cohiba Cuban cigar.*
10:00 Have sex with two 18 year old nymphomaniacs.*
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi.*
11:45 Go to bed.*
11:50 Let loose a 12 second, 4 octave fart. Watch the dog leave the room.*
11:55 Laugh yourself to sleep

 

[TheOl55]

Over five thousands years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."

Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels, and mortgaged the PRomised Land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about health care plans, the ecomomy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc. I called a sucicide hotline. I had to press 1 for English. I was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...

Folks, we're screwed...

 

[TheOl55]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

 

[TheOl55]

Signs that you are too drunk would be...

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Job interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Career won't progress beyond Senator of Massachusetts.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
You can focus better with one eye closed.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmmm.
The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...

 

[TheOl55]

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND...

10. Cats' facial expressions

9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors

8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds

7. Fat clothes

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time

5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell

4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow

3. Eyelash curlers

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made

1. OTHER WOMEN

 

[TheOl55]

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN GOLF BUT AREN'T

10. Nuts...my shaft is bent.

9. After 18 holes I can barely walk.

8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.

7. Look at the size of his putter.

6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.

5. Mind if I join your threesome?

4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.

3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.

2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.

1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first.

 

[Sgt. Rock]

Sniffer the Labrador:

A man is sitting in an airliner, which is about to takeoff when another man with a Labrador Retriever occupies the 2 empty seats beside him.

The Lab is situated in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.

The airline rep said, "Don't mind Sniffer; he is a sniffing dog, the best there is; I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work."

The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man,"Watch this." He tells the dog, "Sniffer, search."

Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm

He says "Good boy."

The airline rep turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this and her seat number for the police who will apprehend her on arrival."

"Fantastic!" replies the first man.

Once again he sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and places two paws on the handler's arm. The airline rep says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again I'm making a note of this and the seat number."

"I like it!" says the first man.

A third time the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles. Sniffer goes up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone. He then comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and doo doos all over the place.

The first man is really grossed out by this behavior from a supposedly well-trained sniffing dog and asks, "What's going on?"

The handler nervously replies, "He just found a bomb"!

 

[RangerDanger]

 

[Sgt. Rock]

A cop spots an infraction on the freeway and pulls over a pickup truck. He slowly walks up to the drivers window.

How long have you been driving without a tail light, buddy?" demanded the policeman about to write him up.

Suddenly the driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his truck, and gave a low moan. His distress was so great that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit.

"Aw, come now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious."

"It isn't?" cried the motorist. "What happened to my boat and trailer?"

 

[Sgt. Rock]

A car driven by a woman breaks down on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.

Out of the trunk jump two men in trench coats who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers.

Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in history of this highway occurs.

It's not very long before a police car shows up. The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the woman yelling, "What the heck is going on here?"

"My car broke down," says the woman, calmly.

"Well, what are these perverts doing here by the side of the road?" asks the cop.

And she said..."Those are my emergency flashers!"

 

[Sgt. Rock]

The local police, FBI, and CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it.


When the CIA goes in, they place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.


Then the FBI goes in: After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.


Then the local police go in: They come out two hours later with a badly beaten raccoon. The raccoon is yelling: " Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

 

[TheOl55]

He got his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights
flashing and siren blaring.
He floored it to 100mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the Trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes.
Today is Friday.
If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir," replied the Trooper

 

[ninja man]

came across this......

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre, the famous French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre the famous French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.

Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river.

Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, what in the hell do you think you're doing?"

Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the famous French fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"

 

[RangerDanger]

Good one lmfao

 

[oppo]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygenmask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears andgives him a partial sponge bath."Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm onlyhere to wash your upper body and feet."He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are mytesticles black?"Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart ratefrom worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassmentand pulls back the covers.She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testiclesgently in the other.She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,Sir. They look fine."The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and saysvery slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listenvery, very closely:Are - my - test - results - back?"

 

[TheOl55]

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fu*k your brains out, and suck your t1ts dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

 

[TheOl55]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".