RangerDanger
Full Access Member
Did anyone hear about the marine that graduated college?
Me either :jester:
Me either :jester:
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Joke of the day
- Thread starter RangerDanger
- Start date
RangerDanger
Full Access Member
A platoon of Marines are walking along a trail. Suddenly, at the top of a ridge, a lone Army Ranger appears.
"You Marines are lazy, worthless excuses for soldiers, you're weak, your momma's are weak..." and so on. Furious, the platoon leader sends two of his biggest, baddest Marines up the hill. They hit the Ranger, and tumble down to far side of the ridge. Sound of a terrible fight follow, then silence, then the Ranger reappears seemingly untouched. He continues his diatribe against the Marines.
The Marine lieutenant orders his first squad up the hill. The eleven Marines charge up, hit the Ranger and go over the ridge. Trees topple, dust clouds rise, and the sounds of battle thunder. After the sounds die away, the Ranger reappears, slightly dusty but no worse for wear. He just grins.
"KILL HIM!" The frustrated LT shouts, and the entire remaining platoon, 25 men, charge up. The mass vanishes over the ridge, and the earth shakes with the sounds of the fight. Finally, calm returns and a single, bloody, battered Marine crawls back over the hill.
"Private? What the hell happened?" asks the LT.
"Oh, sir, it was a trap!" the private sobs. "There were two of them
"You Marines are lazy, worthless excuses for soldiers, you're weak, your momma's are weak..." and so on. Furious, the platoon leader sends two of his biggest, baddest Marines up the hill. They hit the Ranger, and tumble down to far side of the ridge. Sound of a terrible fight follow, then silence, then the Ranger reappears seemingly untouched. He continues his diatribe against the Marines.
The Marine lieutenant orders his first squad up the hill. The eleven Marines charge up, hit the Ranger and go over the ridge. Trees topple, dust clouds rise, and the sounds of battle thunder. After the sounds die away, the Ranger reappears, slightly dusty but no worse for wear. He just grins.
"KILL HIM!" The frustrated LT shouts, and the entire remaining platoon, 25 men, charge up. The mass vanishes over the ridge, and the earth shakes with the sounds of the fight. Finally, calm returns and a single, bloody, battered Marine crawls back over the hill.
"Private? What the hell happened?" asks the LT.
"Oh, sir, it was a trap!" the private sobs. "There were two of them
RangerDanger
Full Access Member
Just for kwo51...
What does ARMY stand for?
A-ren't
R-eady*
M-arines*
Y-et
What does ARMY stand for?
A-ren't
R-eady*
M-arines*
Y-et
RangerDanger
Full Access Member
A marine is home on leave, in his dress blues. Decides he's gonna go to the nicest place in town. Finishing his meal, he heads to the latrine where he meets a small boy. "Wow are you a real marine?" the boy asks.
"Yes I am kid you wanna wear my hat?" says the marine
"Yes, Oh Boy!" says the kid, he begins to march around with his new "cover" on.
An Army ranger walks in and the kid stands stunned.*"Wow are you a real Army ranger?" the boy asks.
The ranger answers," Yes i am kid, you wanna suck my dick?"
The kid responds " oh no sir im not a real marine im only wearing his hat!"
"Yes I am kid you wanna wear my hat?" says the marine
"Yes, Oh Boy!" says the kid, he begins to march around with his new "cover" on.
An Army ranger walks in and the kid stands stunned.*"Wow are you a real Army ranger?" the boy asks.
The ranger answers," Yes i am kid, you wanna suck my dick?"
The kid responds " oh no sir im not a real marine im only wearing his hat!"
RangerDanger
Full Access Member
Sgt. Rock
Full Access Member
There's an Air Force guy driving from McChord AFB to Ft. Lewis, and an Army guy driving from Ft. Lewis to McChord. In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions.
The Air Force guy manages to climb out of his car and surveys the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says,....."Man, I am really lucky to be alive!"
Likewise the Army guy scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, ..... "I can't believe I survived this wreck!"
The Army guy walks over to the Air Force guy and says,...... "Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of archrivals"
The Air Force guy thinks for a moment and says, ...... "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I'm gonna see what else survived this wreck"
So the Air Force guy pops open his trunk and finds a full, unopened bottle of Jack Daniels.
He says to the Army guy, "I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship"
The Army guy replies, "You're damn right!" and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Army guy hands it back to the Air Force guy and says, "Your turn!"
The Air Force guy twists the cap back on the bottle and says, "Nahh, I think I'll wait for the cops to show up."
The Air Force guy manages to climb out of his car and surveys the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says,....."Man, I am really lucky to be alive!"
Likewise the Army guy scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, ..... "I can't believe I survived this wreck!"
The Army guy walks over to the Air Force guy and says,...... "Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of archrivals"
The Air Force guy thinks for a moment and says, ...... "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I'm gonna see what else survived this wreck"
So the Air Force guy pops open his trunk and finds a full, unopened bottle of Jack Daniels.
He says to the Army guy, "I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship"
The Army guy replies, "You're damn right!" and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Army guy hands it back to the Air Force guy and says, "Your turn!"
The Air Force guy twists the cap back on the bottle and says, "Nahh, I think I'll wait for the cops to show up."
Military rules, by Service
Marine Corps Rules:
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet * even your friends…
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a "4."
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.
Navy SEAL's Rules:
1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Adjust speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.
US Army Rangers Rules:
1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.
US Army Rules:
1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.
2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.
3. Curse bitterly.
4. Curse bitterly.
5. Do not listen to 2nd LT's; it can get you killed.
6. Curse bitterly.
US Air Force Rules:
1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask "what is a gunfight?"
5. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" Power Point presentation.
6. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 13:45 tee-time.
10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict but close enough to have tax exemption.
US Navy Rules:
1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Deploy Marines
Marine Corps Rules:
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet * even your friends…
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a "4."
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.
Navy SEAL's Rules:
1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Adjust speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.
US Army Rangers Rules:
1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.
US Army Rules:
1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.
2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.
3. Curse bitterly.
4. Curse bitterly.
5. Do not listen to 2nd LT's; it can get you killed.
6. Curse bitterly.
US Air Force Rules:
1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask "what is a gunfight?"
5. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" Power Point presentation.
6. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 13:45 tee-time.
10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict but close enough to have tax exemption.
US Navy Rules:
1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Deploy Marines
RangerDanger
Full Access Member
Good one ninja
USMC rules: if it moves shoot it, if it doesn't paint. And then there were the young vets returning from deployment .A TV reporter was asking them questions when they came out of the head. Hay airman what did you learn in the AF? I learned good personal hygiene. I wash my hands after taking a piss. Well that is great Airman. Hay Solder what did you learn in the Army? Oh much the same as that guy, thank you. Hay Marine what did you learn in the Corp? I learned not to piss on my fingers!!!!!
RangerDanger
Full Access Member
With almost all these military jokes you can change names around to suit your favorite branch. It's all in good fun and keeps the competitive spirits high. I respect anyone that's currently serving or who has served before. No matter what branch they chose
Last edited:
Sgt. Rock
Full Access Member
Q: Do you know why they assign Marines to ships?
A: Because the Navy sleeps two to a bunk.
:rape:
A: Because the Navy sleeps two to a bunk.
:rape:
TheOl55
Full Access Member
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, D.C. Nothing was moving. Suddenly a man knocked on the window.
The driver rolled down the window and asked, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire U.S. Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they're going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, collecting donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asked.
The man replied, "Roughly a gallon."
.
The driver rolled down the window and asked, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire U.S. Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they're going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, collecting donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asked.
The man replied, "Roughly a gallon."
.
RangerDanger
Full Access Member
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a 'drop off' (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!
Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!
RangerDanger
Full Access Member
A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.St. Peter asks the first girl, "Jessica, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?"The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one."St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her ass in it."
RangerDanger
Full Access Member
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, 'Dark in here.
'The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball.'
Man: 'That's nice'
Boy: 'Want to b uy it?'
Man: 'No, thanks.'
Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'
Man: 'OK, how much?'
Boy: '$250'
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are inthe closet together.
Boy: 'Dark in here.'
Man: 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'
Boy: '$750'
Man: 'sold.'
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go outsid e and*have a game of catch.'
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'
The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy: '$1,000'
The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your friends like that...that is way*more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession.'
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in theconfessional booth and closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The priest says, 'Don't start that $h!t again;you're in my closet now!'
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, 'Dark in here.
'The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball.'
Man: 'That's nice'
Boy: 'Want to b uy it?'
Man: 'No, thanks.'
Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'
Man: 'OK, how much?'
Boy: '$250'
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are inthe closet together.
Boy: 'Dark in here.'
Man: 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'
Boy: '$750'
Man: 'sold.'
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go outsid e and*have a game of catch.'
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'
The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy: '$1,000'
The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your friends like that...that is way*more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession.'
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in theconfessional booth and closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The priest says, 'Don't start that $h!t again;you're in my closet now!'
RangerDanger
Full Access Member
A wife was standing naked in front of the mirror and said to her husband "I feel fat and ugly, give me a compliment".
The husband said " You have perfect vision"
The husband said " You have perfect vision"
RangerDanger
Full Access Member
How can you tell if a woman used a vibrator while she was pregnant?
The kid studders..........
The kid studders..........
RangerDanger
Full Access Member
A mother and her 5 yr old son were flying Southwest Airlines from KansasCity to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned tohis mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy walks to the galley and asks the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"*
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"*
The boy said, "Yes, she did...."
"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy walks to the galley and asks the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"*
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"*
The boy said, "Yes, she did...."
"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."
