Joke of the day

[TheOl55]

1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and dipshit's.


2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.


3. I live in my own little world, but it's OK. Everyone knows me here.


4. I saw a very large woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Left Tackle?”


5. I don't do drugs. I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.


6. Saw a sign in a Chinese pet store: "Buy one dog, get one flea!"


7. Money can't buy happiness but it can buy beer. Beer's good.


8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"?


9. I don't like political jokes. I've seen too many get elected.


10. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.


11. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.


12. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.


13. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.


14. I am a nobody; nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.


15. Every day I beat my previous record of consecutive days I've stayed alive.


16. That guy Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains."


17. No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team's winning.


18. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?


19. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.


20. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?


21. Marriage changes passion . . . suddenly you're in bed with a relative.


22. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?


23. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.


24. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.


25. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and more than 50 for Miss America ?


26. When I was young, we used to go "skinny dipping." Now I go "chunky dunking."


27. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't need the freakin' class!


28. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.


29. Wouldn't you know it! Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.


30. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

 

[TheOl55]

There are bad days and then there are these days.


There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large,

trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, ...whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say.
"I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot,

I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance.
I left my wallet in the cab I took home.
I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all,
I buy a drink,
I drop the cyanide capsule in
and sit here watching the poison dissolve knowing I only had 8 hrs left to live
and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!

"But, Hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"

 

[kwo51]

Help me find a doctor that does not practice but does quality work.

 

[TheOl55]

What a wonderful story!!!

None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity and clumsiness, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him, "You're driving me mad, Tyrone."


One day Tyrone's mom came to school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mom honestly, that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and that she had never had she seen such a stupid boy in her entire teaching career.

The mom was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from school and moved out of Detroit, relocating to Cleveland.

25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an almost incurable cardiac disease. All the doctors strongly advised her to have heart surgery, which only one surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic could perform.

Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful. When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome young doctor smiling down at her.

She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but quickly died. The doctor was shocked, wondering what went wrong so suddenly.

Then he turned around and saw our friend Tyrone, a janitor in the Clinic, who had unplugged the life-support equipment in order to connect his vacuum cleaner.

Don't tell me you thought Tyrone became a heart-surgeon.


Well maybe you did if you voted for Obama.

 

[kwo51]

I voted for the vacuum!!!!!!

 

[TheOl55]

IOWA FARM STORY


Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising home along a country road one evening when a very old cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't. The aged cow was struck and killed.

Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened and pay them for the cow. She stayed in the car making phone calls.

About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.

“What happened to you," asked Hillary?

"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me.”

“What did you tell them?" asked Hillary. The driver replied, “I just stepped inside the door and said, ‘I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow.' The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."

.

 

[kwo51]

Moooving!

 

[Max]

Do you guys know the tiniest joke in the world?
German tax-cuts.

#Unfunnybuttrue


Max

 

[kwo51]

We have those here and shortly after large tax increases.

 

[Jo6pak]

As well as being Father's Day and the Summer Solstice, yesterday was also International Yoga Day.
So if you don't do yoga, you can kiss my a$$. And if you do in fact do yoga....you can probably kiss your own a$$:chewie:

 

[kwo51]

Yoga pants were sent from heaven.

 

[SilvrSRT10]

Yoga pants were sent from heaven.

That really depends on who's wearing them. I've seen yoga pants stretched past their capacity.

 

[kwo51]

This would be a fact jack. Seen some at the gym that would fit a mule.

 

[Sgt. Rock]

A few Rodney Dangerfield zingers...still miss that guy.


"With my old man I got no respect." I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air? He told me to run off a cliff."

I went to a massage parlor, it was self-service.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose, last night she used me to time an egg.

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over, nobody was home.

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, "Why?" He said, "Because you came home early."

I know I'm not sexy, when I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk to me during sex, last night she called me from a hotel.

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

It's been a rough day. I got up this morning and put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

I was such an ugly kid, when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell my parents hated me, my bath toys were a toaster and radio.

I'm so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid that came with his wallet.

I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "Nothing, your eyesight is perfect."

My wife told me to lose some weight and suggested I go jogging. She said "The first day go jog 5 miles, next day 10 miles, the third day 15 miles, the fourth day 20 miles and the fifth day 30 miles..so by the end of the week you should be over 100 miles away from me".

My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap, he was in the electric chair.

 

[kwo51]

2 old red necks were having lunch at mickyd's A women started choking by them and one feller asked if she could speak ? She was turning blue he asked if she could breath as she got bluer. He deciding to help went to her and pulled up her dress and licker her on the butt cheek. The women screamed and cleared her windpipe . Agassed she looked at this feller . He asked have you not heard of the hind-lick maneuver?

 

[Sgt. Rock]

Marines vs Navy

The young polished Marine in a snide voice says to the old sailor, "I love you sailors, whenever we go to fight, you give us a ride." Causing raucous laughter in the bar.

The old Chief looks over and says, "We love you guys too, giving you Marines a ride let's the Navy brass believe it was OK to assign women to ships".

 

[kwo51]

and the beat goes on and made gays OK to toot their horns

 

[TheOl55]

Ten reasons to vote Democrat by Letterman

#10. I vote Democrat because I love the fact that I can now marry whatever I want. I've decided to marry my German Shepherd.


#9. I vote Democrat because I believe oil companies' profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene, but the government taxing the same gallon at 15% isn't.


#8. I vote Democrat because I believe the government will do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would.


#7. I vote Democrat because Freedom of Speech is fine as long as nobody is offended by it.


#6. I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to protect me from murderers and thieves. I am also thankful that we have a 911 service that gets police to your home in order to identify your body after a home invasion.


#5. I vote Democrat because I'm not concerned about millions of babies being aborted so long as we keep all death row inmates alive and comfy.


#4. I vote Democrat because I think illegal aliens have a right to free health care, education, and Social Security benefits, and we should take away Social Security from those who paid into it.


#3. I vote Democrat because I believe that businesses should not be allowed to make profits for themselves. They need to break even and give the rest away to the government for redistribution as the Democrat Party sees it.


#2. I vote Democrat because I believe liberal judges need to rewrite the Constitution every few days to suit fringe kooks who would never get their agendas past the voters.


… And, the #1 reason I vote Democrat is because I think it's better to pay $billions$ for oil to people who hate us, but not drill our own because it might upset some endangered beetle, gopher, or fish here in America.
We don't care about the beetles, gophers, or fish in those other countries.

"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits"… Albert Einstein

I know you all will appreciate this definition. The best description of Obamacare so far:

Remember when Nancy Pelosi said:
“We have to pass it, to find out what's in it."
A physician called into a radio show and said:
"That's the definition of a stool sample."

 

[The War Wagon]

Larry Miller - The 5 Levels of Drinking

One of the greatest comedy routines ever - in Larry's inimitable way. Enjoy!



[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=piPyfqAKf6o[/ame]

 

[SilvrSRT10]

Fixed it so the video would show in your post.