Sgt. Rock
Full Access Member
You gotta love those old Sgt. Majors...my last assignment our First Sergeant was nicknamed "Mallet Head"..if you saw him with his crew cut you would agree.
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Joke of the day
- Thread starter RangerDanger
- Start date
NAG, NAG, NAG !!!
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him
about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'.
And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of
execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him
about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'.
And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of
execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP
Sgt. Rock
Full Access Member
Two guys, one old Seabee, one young guy,
are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart
when they collide.
The old Seabee says to the young guy,
"Sorry about that. I
'm looking for my wife, and I guess I
wasn't paying attention
to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a
coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too...
I can't find her and I'm getting a little
desperate."
The old Seabee says,
"Well, maybe I can help you find her...
what does she look like?"
The young guy says,
"Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall,
with red hair,
blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra,
long legs, and is
wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the old Seabee says, "Doesn't
matter, --- let's look for yours."
are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart
when they collide.
The old Seabee says to the young guy,
"Sorry about that. I
'm looking for my wife, and I guess I
wasn't paying attention
to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a
coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too...
I can't find her and I'm getting a little
desperate."
The old Seabee says,
"Well, maybe I can help you find her...
what does she look like?"
The young guy says,
"Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall,
with red hair,
blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra,
long legs, and is
wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the old Seabee says, "Doesn't
matter, --- let's look for yours."
Concealed 27
Full Access Member
Amazing what can happen at Wal-Mart......
SilvrSRT10
Super Moderator
I think I've seen her.
priell3
Full Access Member
I was walking through the mall and saw that there was a Muslim Book Store.
I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore so I went in.
As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me.
I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, “Do you have a copy of the U.S. Immigration Policy Book regarding Muslims?”
The clerk said,
"F**k off, get the f**k out and stay out!"
I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?”
I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore so I went in.
As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me.
I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, “Do you have a copy of the U.S. Immigration Policy Book regarding Muslims?”
The clerk said,
"F**k off, get the f**k out and stay out!"
I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?”
TheOl55
Full Access Member
Sorry I haven't been around for a while, I've been sick...
--------------------------------------------------------
Laying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that at my age
I don't really give a rat's ass anymore.
If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.
A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while a tortoise doesn't run
and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.
And they tell us to exercise? I don't think so.
Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
3. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?
6. It was a whole lot easier to get older than it was to get wiser.
7. Some days, you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
8. I wish the buck really did stop here, I sure could use a few of them.
9. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
10. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
11. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
12. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.
13. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
14. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
15. It's not hard to meet expenses. . they're everywhere.
16. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
17. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . .. . I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".
18. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
19. Have I sent this message to you before...or did I get it from you?
--------------------------------------------------------
Laying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that at my age
I don't really give a rat's ass anymore.
If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.
A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while a tortoise doesn't run
and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.
And they tell us to exercise? I don't think so.
Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
3. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?
6. It was a whole lot easier to get older than it was to get wiser.
7. Some days, you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
8. I wish the buck really did stop here, I sure could use a few of them.
9. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
10. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
11. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
12. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.
13. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
14. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
15. It's not hard to meet expenses. . they're everywhere.
16. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
17. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . .. . I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".
18. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
19. Have I sent this message to you before...or did I get it from you?
TheOl55
Full Access Member
One More....
A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- th...e more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy-), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'
She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'
He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin
A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- th...e more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy-), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'
She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'
He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin
Sgt. Rock
Full Access Member
An illegal immigrant picks up a prostitute.
“Hey, how much you charge for da hour, sister?” he asks.
“$100″ she replies.
In broken English, he says, “Do you do immigrant style?”
“No” she says.
“I pay you $200 to do immigrant style.”
“No,” she says, not knowing what immigrant style is.
“I pay you $300.”
“No,” she says.
“I pay you $400.”
“No,” she says.
So finally he says, “OK, I pay $1,000 to do immigrant style.
She thinks, “Well, I’ve been in the game for over 10 years now. I’ve had every kind of request from weirdos from every part of the world. How bad could immigrant style be?” So she agrees and has sex with him.
Finally, after several hours, they finish.
Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says,”Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was OK. So, what exactly is immigrant style?”
The illegal immigrant replies, “You send bill to the Government.”
AND THAT, MY FRIENDLY TAXPAYERS, IS EXACTLY WHAT THE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS ARE DOING TO US
“Hey, how much you charge for da hour, sister?” he asks.
“$100″ she replies.
In broken English, he says, “Do you do immigrant style?”
“No” she says.
“I pay you $200 to do immigrant style.”
“No,” she says, not knowing what immigrant style is.
“I pay you $300.”
“No,” she says.
“I pay you $400.”
“No,” she says.
So finally he says, “OK, I pay $1,000 to do immigrant style.
She thinks, “Well, I’ve been in the game for over 10 years now. I’ve had every kind of request from weirdos from every part of the world. How bad could immigrant style be?” So she agrees and has sex with him.
Finally, after several hours, they finish.
Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says,”Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was OK. So, what exactly is immigrant style?”
The illegal immigrant replies, “You send bill to the Government.”
AND THAT, MY FRIENDLY TAXPAYERS, IS EXACTLY WHAT THE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS ARE DOING TO US
SilvrSRT10
Super Moderator
That'd be funny if it weren't so accurate.
Sgt. Rock
Full Access Member
The Amish are “Non-violent" people! BUT IT PAYS TO KNOW GERMAN
An Amish Farmer walking through his field notices a man drinking from his dam with his hand.
The Amish Farmer shouts: "Trinken Sie nicht das Wasser, die Kuehe und die Schweine haben hineingeschissen!" ("Don't drink the water, the cows and pigs shit in it!")
The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand your gibberish. Speak English, you Infidel!"
The Amish Farmer shouts back in English: "Use two hands, you'll get more!"
An Amish Farmer walking through his field notices a man drinking from his dam with his hand.
The Amish Farmer shouts: "Trinken Sie nicht das Wasser, die Kuehe und die Schweine haben hineingeschissen!" ("Don't drink the water, the cows and pigs shit in it!")
The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand your gibberish. Speak English, you Infidel!"
The Amish Farmer shouts back in English: "Use two hands, you'll get more!"
SilvrSRT10
Super Moderator
Here's a bucket. Take some with you for your friends.
Had too
Video
A couple on an African Safari witnessed a small antelope being chased by a cheetah.
The wife told the husband, If the antelope survives this one, I’ll give you a Blow Job every day for the rest of
your life.
[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DYDIwOnXNc8&sns=em[/ame]
Video
A couple on an African Safari witnessed a small antelope being chased by a cheetah.
The wife told the husband, If the antelope survives this one, I’ll give you a Blow Job every day for the rest of
your life.
[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DYDIwOnXNc8&sns=em[/ame]
TheOl55
Full Access Member
Regional Attitudes re GUNS
You may have heard on the news about a Southern California man who was put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had 100,000 rounds of ammunition stored in his home.
By Southern California standards, someone owning 100,000 rounds is considered "mentally unstable".
In Michigan, he'd be called "The last white guy still living in Detroit".
In Nevada, he'd be called "an avid gun collector".
In Arkansas, he'd be called "a novice gun collector".
In Utah and Florida he'd be called "moderately well prepared", but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food.
In Kansas, he'd be "A guy down the road you would want to have for a friend".
In Montana, he'd be called "The neighborhood 'Go-To' guy".
In Idaho, he'd be called "The gubernatorial candidate".
In Georgia, he'd be called "an eligible bachelor".
In North Carolina, Virginia, West Virginia, Mississippi, Tennessee, Kentucky and South Carolina he would be called "a deer hunting buddy".
And in Texas he'd just be "Bill, who's a little short on ammo”.
.
You may have heard on the news about a Southern California man who was put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had 100,000 rounds of ammunition stored in his home.
By Southern California standards, someone owning 100,000 rounds is considered "mentally unstable".
In Michigan, he'd be called "The last white guy still living in Detroit".
In Nevada, he'd be called "an avid gun collector".
In Arkansas, he'd be called "a novice gun collector".
In Utah and Florida he'd be called "moderately well prepared", but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food.
In Kansas, he'd be "A guy down the road you would want to have for a friend".
In Montana, he'd be called "The neighborhood 'Go-To' guy".
In Idaho, he'd be called "The gubernatorial candidate".
In Georgia, he'd be called "an eligible bachelor".
In North Carolina, Virginia, West Virginia, Mississippi, Tennessee, Kentucky and South Carolina he would be called "a deer hunting buddy".
And in Texas he'd just be "Bill, who's a little short on ammo”.
.
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