SilvrSRT10
Super Moderator
Wow! The wonders of the English language. Always something new to learn.
-
Welcome Visitors!
Click here to join the community today! Registering is free and it only takes a minute!
Joke of the day
- Thread starter RangerDanger
- Start date
The IRS has returned the Tax Return to a man in New Jersey
after he apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly.
In respose to the question, "Do you have anyone dependent on you ?"
The man wrote: "9.5 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million
crackheads, 3.4 million unemployable scroungers,
80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons plus 650 idiots in Washington and
the entire group that call themselves Politicians."
IRS stated that the response he gave was unacceptable.
The man's response back was, "Who did I leave out?"
after he apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly.
In respose to the question, "Do you have anyone dependent on you ?"
The man wrote: "9.5 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million
crackheads, 3.4 million unemployable scroungers,
80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons plus 650 idiots in Washington and
the entire group that call themselves Politicians."
IRS stated that the response he gave was unacceptable.
The man's response back was, "Who did I leave out?"
TheOl55
Full Access Member
AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2011-11-27, 1:43 am. E.S.T.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. My girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan .. She had just bought me that Kimber custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... Isn't it?!
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with crap in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. (That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again).
After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ..... After I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car. Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.). In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... But I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours. Semper fi,
Alex
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2011-11-27, 1:43 am. E.S.T.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. My girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan .. She had just bought me that Kimber custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... Isn't it?!
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with crap in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. (That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again).
After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ..... After I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car. Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.). In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... But I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours. Semper fi,
Alex
priell3
Full Access Member
A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past
Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000"the jeweler said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated,
"By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now
and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon."
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said
"Sir...There's no money in that account!"
''I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.’
Not All Seniors Are Senile...
Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000"the jeweler said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated,
"By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now
and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon."
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said
"Sir...There's no money in that account!"
''I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.’
Not All Seniors Are Senile...
priell3
Full Access Member
A hotel guest calls the front desk and the clerk answers, "May I help you?"
The man says, "Yes, I'm in room 858.
You need to send someone to my room immediately.
I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."
The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter."
The man replies, "Listen you idiot. The window won't open... and that's a maintenance matter."
The man says, "Yes, I'm in room 858.
You need to send someone to my room immediately.
I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."
The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter."
The man replies, "Listen you idiot. The window won't open... and that's a maintenance matter."
TheOl55
Full Access Member
Dear Friend,
I am sorry that I have not been consistently responsive lately to your
emails. I have been somewhat under the weather since my doctors informed me
that I have an acute case of Post Islamic Stress Trauma with Apologetic
Whitehouse Fatigue (PIST-AWF). For those of you who do not know what that
is, PIST-AWF is a newly defined disease that is found to be widespread and
highly contagious.
Symptoms include, but may not be limited to:
Severe pain of the scalp from pulling your own hair, while viewing the
President pander to Muslim terrrorists.
Loose bowels from swallowing the fact they elected Obama twice.
Extreme hunger due to vomiting from nightly seeing terrorists murdering
innocent people.
If you feel you have Post Islamic Stress Trauma with Apologetic Whitehouse
Fatigue, please notify your local election board and place your name on the
list for a cure. It is hoped that the cure will be available in November of
2016.
(And I stupidly thought my affliction was due to aging!)
I am sorry that I have not been consistently responsive lately to your
emails. I have been somewhat under the weather since my doctors informed me
that I have an acute case of Post Islamic Stress Trauma with Apologetic
Whitehouse Fatigue (PIST-AWF). For those of you who do not know what that
is, PIST-AWF is a newly defined disease that is found to be widespread and
highly contagious.
Symptoms include, but may not be limited to:
Severe pain of the scalp from pulling your own hair, while viewing the
President pander to Muslim terrrorists.
Loose bowels from swallowing the fact they elected Obama twice.
Extreme hunger due to vomiting from nightly seeing terrorists murdering
innocent people.
If you feel you have Post Islamic Stress Trauma with Apologetic Whitehouse
Fatigue, please notify your local election board and place your name on the
list for a cure. It is hoped that the cure will be available in November of
2016.
(And I stupidly thought my affliction was due to aging!)
TheOl55
Full Access Member
Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport lounge in Bozeman, Montana, awaiting their flights.
One is an American Indian, passing thru from Lame Deer. Another is a cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show. And the third is a fundamentalist Arab student from the Middle East, newly arrived at Montana State University.
Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.
The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face.
The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around and the old windsock is flapping, but still no plane comes.
Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly speaks. "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."
The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"
The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth, and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'".
One is an American Indian, passing thru from Lame Deer. Another is a cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show. And the third is a fundamentalist Arab student from the Middle East, newly arrived at Montana State University.
Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.
The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face.
The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around and the old windsock is flapping, but still no plane comes.
Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly speaks. "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."
The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"
The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth, and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'".
TheOl55
Full Access Member
Retired
Veteran with a Smart Wife:
Early one morning, an elderly
retired veteran
just
finished a piece of artwork he had been
working
on and yelled to his wife.
"Honey! Come see what I created!
It's an
abstract
panorama, depicting the seven years
of
the Obama administration!"
She yelled back, "Flush the
toilet Bob
and come eat your breakfast!"
--
Veteran with a Smart Wife:
Early one morning, an elderly
retired veteran
just
finished a piece of artwork he had been
working
on and yelled to his wife.
"Honey! Come see what I created!
It's an
abstract
panorama, depicting the seven years
of
the Obama administration!"
She yelled back, "Flush the
toilet Bob
and come eat your breakfast!"
--
TheOl55
Full Access Member
priell3
Full Access Member
An 80 year old man walked into the examination room and was quite spry.
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 80-year-old said, "Things
are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is
pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a
story. "I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and
never misses a season.
One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he
accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a
lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.
He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the
magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the
animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang,bang'.
"Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what
do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 80-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 80-year-old said, "Things
are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is
pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a
story. "I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and
never misses a season.
One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he
accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a
lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.
He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the
magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the
animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang,bang'.
"Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what
do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 80-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
TheOl55
Full Access Member
OUTSTANDING!!!
North Dakota Names Landfill After Obama
The state of North Dakota has named a new publicly-owned landfill after
President Barack Obama.
In an overwhelming 35-10 vote, the state Senate advanced a bill naming a
650-acre site currently under construction after the nation’s 44th president. Governor Jack Dalrymple is expected to sign the measure into law Tuesday.
When completed, the Barack Obama Memorial Landfill will be the largest waste disposal site in North Dakota, and the 17th largest in the United States. It will be especially rich in toxic waste from the local petroleum and medical industries.
“We wanted to do something to honor the president,” says Republican State
Senator Doug Perlman, who was the lead sponsor of the bill. “And I think a
pile of garbage is a fitting tribute to Obama’s presidency.
“We originally planned on naming it after a nearby mountain. But then
someone jokingly suggested we name it after Obama. I never thought an idea like that would actually pass. But I was pleasantly surprised.”
The president is hardly popular in North Dakota. The most recent poll in December 2013 found that Obama has a 35% approval rating in the state, although that figure may have fallen further in the year since. Yet even considering the political climate, seasoned observers are surprised that two Democratic lawmakers voted for the bill’s passage.
I supported Obama because I thought he would end the wars in the Middle
East;” says Allison Mitchell, a progressive Democrat from Grand Forks.
“But he decided to fight new wars abroad instead of fighting for
single-payer health care and jobs here at home.
“I guess people expected me to oppose this landfill thing because I’m a
Democrat. But honestly I don’t really care anymore. Maybe this small act of protest will wake him up.”
Ordinary citizens in the state also seem to approve of the government’s choice.
“I can’t think of a better name,” says Joe Blough, a plumber from Minot. “It’s darkly colored and it's full of shit. That pretty much sums up Obama.”
North Dakota Names Landfill After Obama - The Daily Currant - The Daily Currant
North Dakota Names Landfill After Obama - The Daily Currant - The Daily Currant
North Dakota Names Landfill After Obama - The Daily ... North Dakota Names Landfill After Obama - The Daily Currant - The Daily Currant
.
North Dakota Names Landfill After Obama
The state of North Dakota has named a new publicly-owned landfill after
President Barack Obama.
In an overwhelming 35-10 vote, the state Senate advanced a bill naming a
650-acre site currently under construction after the nation’s 44th president. Governor Jack Dalrymple is expected to sign the measure into law Tuesday.
When completed, the Barack Obama Memorial Landfill will be the largest waste disposal site in North Dakota, and the 17th largest in the United States. It will be especially rich in toxic waste from the local petroleum and medical industries.
“We wanted to do something to honor the president,” says Republican State
Senator Doug Perlman, who was the lead sponsor of the bill. “And I think a
pile of garbage is a fitting tribute to Obama’s presidency.
“We originally planned on naming it after a nearby mountain. But then
someone jokingly suggested we name it after Obama. I never thought an idea like that would actually pass. But I was pleasantly surprised.”
The president is hardly popular in North Dakota. The most recent poll in December 2013 found that Obama has a 35% approval rating in the state, although that figure may have fallen further in the year since. Yet even considering the political climate, seasoned observers are surprised that two Democratic lawmakers voted for the bill’s passage.
I supported Obama because I thought he would end the wars in the Middle
East;” says Allison Mitchell, a progressive Democrat from Grand Forks.
“But he decided to fight new wars abroad instead of fighting for
single-payer health care and jobs here at home.
“I guess people expected me to oppose this landfill thing because I’m a
Democrat. But honestly I don’t really care anymore. Maybe this small act of protest will wake him up.”
Ordinary citizens in the state also seem to approve of the government’s choice.
“I can’t think of a better name,” says Joe Blough, a plumber from Minot. “It’s darkly colored and it's full of shit. That pretty much sums up Obama.”
North Dakota Names Landfill After Obama - The Daily Currant - The Daily Currant
North Dakota Names Landfill After Obama - The Daily Currant - The Daily Currant
North Dakota Names Landfill After Obama - The Daily ... North Dakota Names Landfill After Obama - The Daily Currant - The Daily Currant
.
TheOl55
Full Access Member
People of all faiths should remember these four great religious truths:
Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.
Jews do not recognize Christ as the Messiah.
Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
Mormon's do not recognize each other at Hooters or the Liquor Store.
Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.
Jews do not recognize Christ as the Messiah.
Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
Mormon's do not recognize each other at Hooters or the Liquor Store.
priell3
Full Access Member
A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her
grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just
grabs one and goes over to the counter.
The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark shades.
She says to him, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about
this rod and reel?"
He says, ?"Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on
the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway......
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a
Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all-around
combination, and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the
sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her
purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts.
At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes......there
is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being
blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around?
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell
me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the
Duck Call is $11.00, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."
She paid it and left without saying a word.
grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just
grabs one and goes over to the counter.
The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark shades.
She says to him, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about
this rod and reel?"
He says, ?"Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on
the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway......
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a
Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all-around
combination, and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the
sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her
purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts.
At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes......there
is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being
blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around?
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell
me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the
Duck Call is $11.00, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."
She paid it and left without saying a word.
Last edited:
The War Wagon
Full Access Member
Tool definitions - KNOW your tools! :favorites37:
Common tools
SKILL SAW
A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.
BELT SANDER
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
WIRE WHEEL
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ‘Oh shit’. Will easily wind a tee shirt off your back.
DRILL PRESS
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
Channel Locks
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
HACKSAW
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH
Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your shop and creating a fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. Very effective for digit removal!!
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut large pieces into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. Also excels at amputations.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of all the crap you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
PVC PIPE CUTTER
A tool used to make plastic pipe too short.
HAMMER
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object you are trying to hit. Also very effective at fingernail removal.
UTILITY KNIFE
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. These can also be used to initiate a trip to the emergency room so a doctor can sew up the damage.
SONOFABITCH TOOL
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ‘Sonofabitch’ at the top of your lungs.
It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
Common tools
SKILL SAW
A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.
BELT SANDER
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
WIRE WHEEL
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ‘Oh shit’. Will easily wind a tee shirt off your back.
DRILL PRESS
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
Channel Locks
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
HACKSAW
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH
Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your shop and creating a fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. Very effective for digit removal!!
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut large pieces into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. Also excels at amputations.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of all the crap you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
PVC PIPE CUTTER
A tool used to make plastic pipe too short.
HAMMER
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object you are trying to hit. Also very effective at fingernail removal.
UTILITY KNIFE
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. These can also be used to initiate a trip to the emergency room so a doctor can sew up the damage.
SONOFABITCH TOOL
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ‘Sonofabitch’ at the top of your lungs.
It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
