Joke of the day

[priell3]

Tom brings his best friend from work home for dinner unannounced.

His wife screams her head off at him, while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade. "My hair & makeup are not done,
the house is a fucking mess, the dishes aren't done. Can't you see I'm still in my fucking pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!

Why the fuck did you bring him home unannounced you stupid idiot? "

"Because he's thinking of getting married. "

---------------

A woman is shopping in the local supermarket. She selects some milk, bread, some eggs, a carton of juice, and a package of bacon.
As she unloads her items at the cash register to pay, a man standing behind her in line watches her place the items on the belt and states with assurance, "You must be single."

The woman looks at the items on the belt, and seeing nothing unusual about her selection says, "That's right. How on earth did you know?"

He replies, "Because you're ugly."

---------------

Two little boys are sitting in the living room, watching TV with their parents. The mother looks over at the father with a wink and a nod toward upstairs.
The father "gets" the message, and they both get up and head towards the stairs.

The mother turns back to the 2 boys and says, "we're going upstairs for a minute. You two stay down here and watch TV, we'll be right back, Okay?".

The two boys nodded OK. So the parents take off upstairs.

The oldest of the 2 boys is old enough to know what's going on now, and gets up and tip toes upstairs.
At the top of the stairs, he peeks into his mom and dad's bedroom and shakes his head. He goes back downstairs to his little brother.

"Come with me", he says, and the 2 little boys tip toe back up the stairs.

Halfway up the older boy turns to his brother and says "now I want you to keep in mind. This is the same woman who used to bust our ass for sucking our thumb."

 

[priell3]

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husband.

The women were asked..."How many of you love your husband?"

All the women raised their hands. Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"

Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn’t remember.

The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text to their husband: "I love you, sweetheart."

The women were then instructed to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text message they received, in response.

Below are 11 replies; some are hilarious. If you have been married for quite a while....a sign of true love....who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?

Here are the replies:
1. Who the hell is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's up with you?
4. What now? Did you crash the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean?
6. What the heck did you do now?
7. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
8. Am I dreaming?
9. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
10. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
11. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?

 

[TheOl55]

HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

________________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_______________________________

My wife at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunk swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed, he's my old boyfriend. He began drinking right after we split up years ago, and hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke my wife kept nagging me to get it fixed. But, I always had something else to take care of. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

I found her seated in the tall, unmowed grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

______________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Lots of dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 165 in about 2 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for benefits.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left it at home. I told the woman I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver chest hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing naked, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

That's when the fight began . . .

________________________________

The next one is my favorite ...

I rear-ended a car this morning . . .

the start of a really bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started

 

[TheOl55]

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the light by accelerating through the intersection.


The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.



As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.



He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.



After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.



He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School'bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally I assumed you had stolen the car."

 

[oppo]

Greatness! :waytogo:

 

[kwo51]

Sex and Good
> Grammar SEX AND GOOD
> GRAMMAR:
> On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate
> from his wife. The certificate was for a consultation with
> an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who
> was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile
> dysfunction. The husband went to the reservation and
> saw the medicine man.
>
> The old Indian gave him a potion and with a grip on his
> shoulder warned, 'This is a powerful medicine. You take
> only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.'
>
> When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever
> been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you
> want." The man thanked the old
> Indian and as he walked away, he turned and asked, "How
> do I stop the medicine from working?"
>
> "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded,
> "but when she does, the medicine will not work again
> until the next full moon." He was very eager to see if
> it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful
> of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in
> the bedroom.
> When she came in, he took
> off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he
> was the manliest of
> men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her
> clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3
> for?"
>
> And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our
> sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a
> dangling participle.

 

[Jo6pak]

A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.

The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf. The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought. When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.

As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.

After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"

Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.

Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"

"No," he stammers, "But it's quiverin' a little."

 

[priell3]

Recently, a friend reported hearing a sweet elderly lady in the pew next
to him, saying a prayer. It was so innocent and sincere that I just had to share it with you:


"Dear Lord:
The last four or five years have been very tough. You have taken my favorite
actor - Paul Newman; my favorite actress - Elizabeth Taylor;
my favorite singer - Andy Williams; my favorite author -Tom Clancy;
and now, my favorite comedians – Robin Williams and Joan Rivers.
I just wanted you to know that my favorite politicians are Barack Obama,
Joe Biden, Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid, and I have a special
place in my heart for Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton, too.

Amen

 

[priell3]

6:00 Alarm

6:30 Massive, satisfying dump while reading the sports section

7:00 Breakfast - steak and eggs, coffee and toast - all cooked by naked, buxom wench who bends over a lot.

7:30 Limo arrives

7:45 Couple of ice-cold beers en route to the airport

9:15 Flight in personal Lear jet - finest Scotch served in Baccarat
crystal snifter from green-eyed redhead with huge tits

9:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club

9:45 Play front nine (2 under par)

11:45 Lunch -steak and lobster, couple of ice-cold beers and bottle of Dom Peringon

12:20 Breaking News: Hillary Clinton discovered to be on Maylaysia flight 370

12:30 Play back nine (4 under)

2:15 Limo back to airport (several bourbons)

2:30 Fly to Bahamas

2:40 News Flash: Nancy Pelosi's plane shot down over Syria , apprehended by Isis

3:30 Late afternoon fishing expedition with all-female crew, all nude who also bend over a lot

4:30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs)-on light tackle

5:00 Fly home, massage by naked Elle Macpherson

6:45 Shit, shower and shave

6:55 News Flash: Harry Reid Announced as America 's 3rd Ebola victim in critical condition

7:00 Watch news - Al Sharpton assassinated by Travon Martin's brother

7:30 Dinner - lobster appetizers, Dom Peringon (1953), big juicy fillet steak followed by ice cream served on a big pair of tits

9:40 News Flash: Eric Holder and entourage missing after speaking
engagement in Jackson , Mississippi

11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing ice-cold beer

11:30 Night-cap



11:35 Obama resigns

11:45 In bed alone

11:50 A 22-second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room

11:51 Laugh yourself to sleep....can't wait for tomorrow

 

[kwo51]

Heaven is real!!!!!!

 

[Sgt. Rock]

AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2011-11-27, 1:43 am. E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. my girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan. She had just bought me that Kimber Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with crap in your pants. I'm sure it Was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. (That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again). After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!] I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb after I broke the windshield, side windows and keyed the entire drivers side.

Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number, etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours, Semper fi,
Alex

 

[Sgt. Rock]

Wise Italian Grandfather

An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside,

"Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money,
a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos..but maybe somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe fina you wife inna bed with another man".

"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!' "?
____________________________________________________

 

[priell3]

Little Sylvia comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. And, "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "Will God get mad at me for giving someone a Valentine?


Sylvia's father thinks a bit then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Valentine to?”

"The Isis group," she says.

“Why them?," her father asks in shock?

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give them a valentine, they might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and then they sent valentines to them, they'd love everyone a lot. And then they'd start going all over the place telling everyone how much they loved them and how they didn't hate anyone anymore


Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. “Sylvia, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Sylvia says, "and once that gets them out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of them."

 

[priell3]

In the lady's room at work, the office manager had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it ... “Think!”

The next day, she went to the lady’s room, looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read ... “Thoap!”

 

[Concealed 27]

Steven Cobert Poem....
"There once was a man name Barack,
Whose re-election came as a shock.
He raised the taxes I pay,
And then turned marriage gay.
And now he's coming after your glock."

 

[priell3]

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning.
It was a fine spring day in his new Washington D.C. parish.

He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was . . . a donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the White House .
The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Barack Obama. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself . This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a donkey lying dead on me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Barack, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the Irish accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a moment . . . . Father O'Malley then replied:

"Aye, 'tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."

 

[kwo51]

Elephant in the yard! My boss back in 1977 called out of work one day a little hung over. When the supervisor came to tell us he said" Jim had called in because he saw an elephant in the yard." The supervisor went by to check on him and the circus had set up next door to jims house. He was back the next day with a good story.

 

[Concealed 27]

AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2011-11-27, 1:43 am. E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. my girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan. She had just bought me that Kimber Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with crap in your pants. I'm sure it Was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. (That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again). After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!] I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb after I broke the windshield, side windows and keyed the entire drivers side.

Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number, etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours, Semper fi,
Alex

That's too much but I guess he deserved it...fbi will be looking for him and I'm sure you won't tell them it w as not you but the guy u tried to rob. I almost scrapped my pants reading this...lmao great find sarge.
Concealed 27

 

[kwo51]

Been around long time but good still.

 

[Sgt. Rock]

And a few satisfying years after the wedding …..Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.
The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her handbag and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.

''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.''
'Yes, I remember him as a baby.'' says the other mother cheerfully.
"He's a martyr now though." the mother confides.
"Oh, so sad dear...'' says the other.

''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.''
''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair when he was born.''
''He's a martyr too...'' says the mother quietly.
''Oh, gracious me...'' says the other.

''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18'', she whispers.
"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school...''
''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . .

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"