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Joke of the day
- Thread starter RangerDanger
- Start date
TheOl55
Full Access Member
Checking Magic 8 Ball ...... It Say's ..... "Most likely"
Last edited:
Sgt. Rock
Full Access Member
A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local
Hooters.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and
every once in a while the lights would turn off.
and each the lights would go out, the place would erupt into
cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went
dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I
please use the restroom?
The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that
there is a statue of a naked man in there
wearing only a fig leaf.'
'Well, in that case, I'll just look
the other way,' said the nun
So the bartender showed
the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes she came back out and the whole
place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud
round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said,
'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud
for me just because I went to the restroom?'
'Well, now they know you're one of us',
said the bartender, 'Would you like a
drink now?'
'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said
the puzzled nun.
'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time
someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go
out.
Now, how about that drink?'
Hooters.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and
every once in a while the lights would turn off.
and each the lights would go out, the place would erupt into
cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went
dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I
please use the restroom?
The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that
there is a statue of a naked man in there
wearing only a fig leaf.'
'Well, in that case, I'll just look
the other way,' said the nun
So the bartender showed
the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes she came back out and the whole
place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud
round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said,
'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud
for me just because I went to the restroom?'
'Well, now they know you're one of us',
said the bartender, 'Would you like a
drink now?'
'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said
the puzzled nun.
'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time
someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go
out.
Now, how about that drink?'
hotrodpc
Super Moderator
Yep, Fact is Nuns like dick too !!!
Sgt. Rock
Full Access Member
On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say,
"We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through."
So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said,
"We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through."
The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out.
The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow plows can get through?"
Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,
"Why don't you just leave the damn car in the garage this time?”
:facepalm:
"We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through."
So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said,
"We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through."
The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out.
The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow plows can get through?"
Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,
"Why don't you just leave the damn car in the garage this time?”
:facepalm:
TheOl55
Full Access Member
Doh!
Sgt. Rock
Full Access Member
Buried in Boston 2014.
Jo6pak
Full Access Member
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass, what made you come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn came to church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat."
The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that you didn’t steal McGlynn’s hat. What changed your mind?"
Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn’s hat."
The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ you decided you would rather do without your hat than Burn in Hell, right?"
Murphy shook his head and said, "No, Father, after you talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’, I remembered where I left me hat."
After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass, what made you come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn came to church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat."
The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that you didn’t steal McGlynn’s hat. What changed your mind?"
Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn’s hat."
The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ you decided you would rather do without your hat than Burn in Hell, right?"
Murphy shook his head and said, "No, Father, after you talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’, I remembered where I left me hat."
MrMarty51
Full Access Member
Native American Indian weather broadcast straight off of a reservation TV station in North Dakota: Finally, a weather report that doesn't take 10 minutes to explain with multiple graphics and words that you have no clue as to what they mean. This is direct and to the point!
[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x8hGIF9FljM[/ame]
[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x8hGIF9FljM[/ame]
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TheOl55
Full Access Member
One day a man decided to retire...
He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my fishing boat sank."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. " I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from an Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. " On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in a volcanic vent I found just down island, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small hand built wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree
house.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."
"Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Jack Daniels neat?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces,
"I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but a bandana around her blonde locks and some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of coconut oil. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you had a really good ride?" She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
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"You've built a Harley?”
He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my fishing boat sank."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. " I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from an Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. " On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in a volcanic vent I found just down island, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small hand built wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree
house.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."
"Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Jack Daniels neat?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces,
"I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but a bandana around her blonde locks and some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of coconut oil. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you had a really good ride?" She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
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"You've built a Harley?”
Women after a mans heart. My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57years old, can no longer satisfy.
I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset----I shall be home before midnight.
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 57 years old.
I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 57 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college.
I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach.
He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 57 a lot more times than 57 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57years old, can no longer satisfy.
I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset----I shall be home before midnight.
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 57 years old.
I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 57 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college.
I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach.
He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 57 a lot more times than 57 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
Sgt. Rock
Full Access Member
Concealed 27
Full Access Member
Smart snake...rofl
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along
Sgt. Rock
Full Access Member
Mick and Paddy had promised their Uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.
Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise.
They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.
After a while Mick says, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?'
Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to find himself standing in water up to his knees.
'Dis'll never do, Mick. Let's row some more.'
After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on.
Again Mick asks Paddy, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?'
Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No dis'll neva do.' The water was only up to his chest.
So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears.
Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath.
'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?'
'Aye 'tis,'
'NOW hand me dat shovel.'
Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise.
They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.
After a while Mick says, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?'
Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to find himself standing in water up to his knees.
'Dis'll never do, Mick. Let's row some more.'
After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on.
Again Mick asks Paddy, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?'
Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No dis'll neva do.' The water was only up to his chest.
So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears.
Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath.
'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?'
'Aye 'tis,'
'NOW hand me dat shovel.'
TheOl55
Full Access Member
TWO COWS ~{Matthias Varga}
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk
NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then
throws the milk away
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy
grows.
You sell them and retire on the income
ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by
your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption
for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to
produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why
the cow has dropped dead.
A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds,
dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.
You still only have two cows.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three
cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce
twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and
market it worldwide.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows,
but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive...
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk
NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then
throws the milk away
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy
grows.
You sell them and retire on the income
ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by
your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption
for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to
produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why
the cow has dropped dead.
A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds,
dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.
You still only have two cows.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three
cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce
twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and
market it worldwide.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows,
but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive...
hotrodpc
Super Moderator
Seems pretty close to about right.
SilvrSRT10
Super Moderator
What a bunch of manure.
