Joke of the day

[Sgt. Rock]

Little Akio:

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who
said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign
exchange student from Japan , who had his hand up:

"Patrick Henry, 1775", he said.

"Very good! -- Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for
the People, shall not perish from the Earth'?"

Again, no response except from Little Akio,

"Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

"Excellent!" said the teacher continuing, "Let's try one a bit more =
difficult -- Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but
what you can do for your country'?"

Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said: " John F.
Kennedy, 1961."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed of
yourselves, Little Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about
our history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "F_ _ k the Japs."

"Who said that? -- I want to know right now!? she angrily demanded.

Little Akio put his hand up, "General MacArthur, 1945."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke. "
The teacher glares around and asks, 'All right! -- Now who said that?"

Again, Little Akio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,
1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? -- Suck this!"
Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the
teacher,

"Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit! -- If you
say anything else -- I'll kill you!" Little Akio frantically yells at
the top of his voice,

"Michael Jackson to the children testifying
against him, 2004."

The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around the teacher on the
floor, someone said, "Oh shit, We're screwed!"

Little Akio said quietly, "The American people, November 6, 2012."

 

[kwo51]

Smart Jap. We hear it every day now from the rose garden.

 

[MrMarty51]

Why old men don't get hired!

WHY OLD MEN DON'T GET HIRED!

Job Interview:

Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"

Old Man : "Honesty."

Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."

Old Man : "I don't really give a shit what you think."

 

[Anthony Appleyard]

A scubadiver drove to a dive site. He kept away from the fishing village because the inshore fishermen there alleged that scubadivers take their shellfish. He kitted up. He said over his car's CB radio "This is Scooby-Doo going down." (= CB language for "going off radio contact").

Carrying his fins, he walked down a set of stairs down a cliff to the sea, thinking "This is Scooby-Doo going down.".

He reached the sea and swam down to the seabed to fill his goody-bag with shellfish, thinking "This is Scooby-Doo going down.".

By now the fishing village's short-dive-submersible dredger had reached the place, and routinely shovelled him up; as it resurfaced as it stowed him in its dredgings tank for traceless disposal, it logged "This is Scooby-Doo going down.".

 

[kwo51]

That sucks!

 

[Anthony Appleyard]

That sucks!

Yes, it does. The "biggest sucker" round there is the village's submersible suction-dredger, as various shellfish-poaching scuba divers have found the hard way.

 

[Sgt. Rock]

Happy cheers from the White House: (sorry can't mentioned the word Christmas or Holiday anymore):

Twas the night before the default, and all through the White House,
not a creature was working, not even his spouse;

Even though the web site was not ready,
Mr. Obama said shut down the government and be steady,

No stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
because Michelle and the kids were in Hawaii spending 7 million there;

The Obama voters were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of free cell phones danced in their heads;

And mamma with her free healthcare, and unemployment benefits with no cap,
Had just settled down for a free winter's nap,

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the mail box I flew like a flash,
Tore open the mail and got my free cash.

The welfare check hadn’t got wet in the snow
for Obama was still passing out free dough,

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a sign I must not work, at all of next year,

With a Socialist driver, so conniving and quick,
I knew in a moment he was their Saint Nick.

More taxes for the working and spending pretty much insane,
and he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

"Now, Daschle ! Now, Boxer ! Now, Biden and Frankin and Reid !
On, Pelosi ! On Feinstein ! On,Bernanke ! and Yellen !
over the debt ceiling! No spending fire wall!

Now tax away! Tax away! Tax away all !

:hump:

 

[kwo51]

Very well hurt. Were there camels pulling the slay?

 

[MrMarty51]

Very well hurt. Were there camels pulling the slay?

and Goats.

 

[TheOl55]

Joke of the Day........Obamacare!

 

[#860]

Joke of the Day........Obamacare!

Damn, Thats not even funny. oker:

 

[TheOl55]

Ya, your right, Sorry.

 

[SilvrSRT10]

Damn, Thats not even funny. oker:

It's a cruel joke and we're still waiting on the punch line.

 

[kwo51]

Its getting a little redundant. Or is this da ja vue?

 

[Sgt. Rock]

It's a cruel joke and we're still waiting on the punch line.

 

[TheOl55]

Two Coffees in Heaven

Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, Barack Obama meets a man with a
beard. 'Are you Mohammed?' he asks.


'No my son, I am St. Peter; Mohammed is higher up.'
Peter then points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.


Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than St. Peter, Obama climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs up through the clouds and comes into a room where he meets another bearded man.


He asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?'
'Why no,' he answers, 'I am Moses; Mohammed is higher still.'


Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he climbs the ladder yet again.

He discovers a larger room where he meets an angelic looking man with a
beard. Full of hope, he asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?'


'No, I am Jesus, the Christ; You will find Mohammed higher up.'


Mohammed higher than Jesus! Man, oh man! Obama can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs ever higher.


Once again, he reaches an even larger room where he meets this truly magnificent looking man with a silver white beard and once again repeats his question:


'Are you Mohammed?' he gasps as he is by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.


'No, my son, I am Almighty God, the Alpha and the Omega. But you look exhausted. Would you like a cup of coffee?'


Obama says, 'Yes, please!'


As God looks behind him, he claps his hands and yells out: "Yo, Mohammed, two coffees!"


Keep your trust in God; Your president is an idiot.

 

[kwo51]

That is really good. We need a little reality to make life better.
Knock knock ! Who is there ? Obama ! Obama who?

 

[TheOl55]

Well Wally gets home late one night and Linda, his wife, says “Where the hell have you been?” Wally replies “I was out getting a tattoo!”

“A tattoo”? She frowned. “What kind of tattoo did you get?”

“I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates” he said proudly.

“What the hell were you thinking”? She said, shaking her head in disgust. “Why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?”

“Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want

 

[TheOl55]

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law* lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law* said. "I am wearing my love dress."

"Love... dress? But you're naked!" said the mother-in-law.

"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

What are you doing?" he asked.

This is my love dress" she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said

 

[kwo51]

And that is when the felony was committed.