Joke of the day

[SilvrSRT10]

An Israeli doctor says: "In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles, put them on another man and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work".

The German doctor says: "that's nothing, in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work".

The Russian doctor says: "gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest and in 2 weeks he is looking for work".

The United States doctor laughs: "You all are behind us. Five years ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart and no guts and made him President. Now, the whole country is looking for work!"

 

[kwo51]

The worst part is that is no joke.

 

[Concealed 27]

Too true I'm afraid, I live below poverty and I only get 1/3 the national average, it's real hard getting 1000 a month and making it... we got two more years of bummer in office.
Concealed 27

 

[kwo51]

Get all they will give . Be thankful .

 

[Concealed 27]

I am believe me.....

 

[Sgt. Rock]

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.

The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is six million dollars, so she writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is five dollars, so he writes a check.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.

The devil smiles and replies,"Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

 

[hotrodpc]

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.

The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is six million dollars, so she writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is five dollars, so he writes a check.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.

The devil smiles and replies,"Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

That ain't no lie. Shouldn't have cost George Dubya over a quarter.

 

[SilvrSRT10]

9 Deadly Words Used By A Woman….
1) Fine.
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2) Five Minutes.
If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3) Nothing.
This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with Nothing usually end in Fine.

4) Go Ahead.
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it!

5) Loud Sigh.
This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men.
A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about Nothing.
(Refer back to #3 for the meaning of Nothing)

6) Okay (OK).
This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man.
Okay (OK) means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7) Thanks.
A woman is thanking you, do not question or faint. Just say You're Welcome.
(I want to add a clause here - This is true, unless she says "Thanks a lot" - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all).
DO NOT say "You're Welcome". That will bring on a "Whatever".

8) Whatever.
Is a woman's way of saying F- You.

9) Don't Worry About It, I've Got It.
Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself.

This will later result in a man asking, "What's wrong?"
For the woman's response, refer to #3.

 

[kwo51]

Most can be answered with( yes dear!)

 

[Jo6pak]

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation. The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and　said "So why are you here ? "



The yellow Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black Lab said, "So what’s the vet going to do ? "

"Gonna cut my nuts off." came the reply from the yellow Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."



The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked "So why are you here?"

The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets.　But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch."

"So what are they going to do to you? " the Yellow Lab enquired.

"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.



The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?"

"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see.　Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away."

The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said,

"So, it's nuts off for you too, huh ?"

The Great Dane said, "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped! "

 

[#860]

Heh-heh-heh

 

[ViperJeff]

hehehehehehehehehehe

 

[kwo51]

Hump day.

 

[TheOl55]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'It's my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you when we're making love,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser ... at half the price.'

 

[ViperJeff]

No Comment....

 

[Concealed 27]

I got a comment.....the honest truth!!!!!!!!lol
I hope my better half does not see it, she is already beautiful....
Concealed27

 

[kwo51]

Should try some Crown.

 

[SilvrSRT10]

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cgqIAp4EqBQ]mickey gilley Don't the girls all get prettier at closing time - YouTube[/ame]

 

[kwo51]

Walmart never closes and crown won't help most of those. NEXT!!!!!!

 

[Sgt. Rock]

Three Hell's Angels were sitting in a biker bar. A man came in, already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink.

The man looked around and saw the three men sitting at a corner table. He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face and said,

"I went by your grandma's house earlier and I saw her in the hallway, buck naked. Man, she is fine!"

The biker looked at him and didn't say a word. His buddies were confused, because he was a bad ass, and would normally kill anyone for far less than that.

The drunk leaned on the table again and said,

"I got it on with your grandma, multiple times, and man she is so good, the best I ever had!"

The biker continued to sit still and say nothing. His buddies were starting to get mad.

The drunk leaned on the table again and said,

"I'll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!"

The biker stood up, took the drunk by the shoulder and said,

"Damn it, Grandpa, you're drunk again! Go home!"