TheOl55
Full Access Member
No Bull.....
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Joke of the day
- Thread starter RangerDanger
- Start date
hotrodpc
Super Moderator
Yep, where there are cows, there is usually a bunch of shit !!! :insane:
SilvrSRT10
Super Moderator
Then two cows is all we're going to get.
Sgt. Rock
Full Access Member
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
Sgt. Rock
Full Access Member
Nancy Pelosi called Harry Reid into her office one day and said, "Harry, I have a plan to win back Middle America in 2014!"
"Great Nancy , but how?" asked Harry.
"We'll get some cheesy clothes and shoes, like most Middle Class Americans wear, then stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador Retriever. Then, we'll go to a nice old country bar in Montana and show them how much admiration and respect we have for the hard working people living there."
So they did, and found just the place they were looking for in Bozeman , Montana . With the dog in tow, they walked inside and stepped up to the bar.
The Bartender took a step back and said, "Hey! Aren't you Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi?"
"Yes we are!" said Nancy , "And what a lovely town you have here. We were passing through and Harry suggested we stop and take in some local color."
They ordered a round of bourbon for the whole bar, and started chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.
A few minutes later, a grizzled old rancher came in, walked up to the Labrador , lifted up its tail, looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked out. A few moments later, in came another old rancher. He walked up to the dog, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and left the bar.
For the next hour, another dozen ranchers came in, lifted the dog's tail, and left shaking their heads.
Finally, Nancy asked, "Why did all those old ranchers come in and look under the dog's tail? Is it some sort of custom?"
"Lord no," said the bartender. "Someone's out there running around town, claiming there's a Labrador Retriever in here with two ass holes!"
"Great Nancy , but how?" asked Harry.
"We'll get some cheesy clothes and shoes, like most Middle Class Americans wear, then stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador Retriever. Then, we'll go to a nice old country bar in Montana and show them how much admiration and respect we have for the hard working people living there."
So they did, and found just the place they were looking for in Bozeman , Montana . With the dog in tow, they walked inside and stepped up to the bar.
The Bartender took a step back and said, "Hey! Aren't you Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi?"
"Yes we are!" said Nancy , "And what a lovely town you have here. We were passing through and Harry suggested we stop and take in some local color."
They ordered a round of bourbon for the whole bar, and started chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.
A few minutes later, a grizzled old rancher came in, walked up to the Labrador , lifted up its tail, looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked out. A few moments later, in came another old rancher. He walked up to the dog, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and left the bar.
For the next hour, another dozen ranchers came in, lifted the dog's tail, and left shaking their heads.
Finally, Nancy asked, "Why did all those old ranchers come in and look under the dog's tail? Is it some sort of custom?"
"Lord no," said the bartender. "Someone's out there running around town, claiming there's a Labrador Retriever in here with two ass holes!"
ViperJeff
Administrator
May be a repeat....
joke - a neighbors confession
A man got this text from his neighbor:
“Bob, I’m so sorry about this but I have a confession to make. I can tell you I just haven't been able to sleep because of it. I have been sharing your wife with you behind your back. Day and night and mostly when you’re not in town. In my kitchen, bathroom, basement, you name it and a times right under your nose. I seriously think I've tapped it more than you in the last year! My therapist says I should let you know because I feel so incredibly guilty. And I promise never to do it again."
Bob sat in shock for several minutes, gather himself and loaded his gun. He then quietly stood at the foot of the bed where his wife was sleeping and with tears in his eyes - shot her dead!
He then turned the gun to his own head but couldn't go through with it. As he reached for his phone to turn himself in to the authorities he noticed another text from his neighbor.
“This D*** Speech-to-Text ... I meant to say wifi and not wife. Anyway, I sure do feel better. Goodnight Bob."
joke - a neighbors confession
A man got this text from his neighbor:
“Bob, I’m so sorry about this but I have a confession to make. I can tell you I just haven't been able to sleep because of it. I have been sharing your wife with you behind your back. Day and night and mostly when you’re not in town. In my kitchen, bathroom, basement, you name it and a times right under your nose. I seriously think I've tapped it more than you in the last year! My therapist says I should let you know because I feel so incredibly guilty. And I promise never to do it again."
Bob sat in shock for several minutes, gather himself and loaded his gun. He then quietly stood at the foot of the bed where his wife was sleeping and with tears in his eyes - shot her dead!
He then turned the gun to his own head but couldn't go through with it. As he reached for his phone to turn himself in to the authorities he noticed another text from his neighbor.
“This D*** Speech-to-Text ... I meant to say wifi and not wife. Anyway, I sure do feel better. Goodnight Bob."
Shortly before BJ Clinton's tenure in office came to a close, Hillary decided that she wanted to run for Senator of New York. She and Bill took in a Yankees game to begin gathering support and to become associated with the iconic NY team.
They chose to sit in the upper balcony in a private booth in order to take in the grandeur. The umpire walks out on to the field and yells up to the Clintons but they really cannot hear, so he yells a little louder. Bill, upon hearing the request, smiles and waves before giving his trademark thumbs up and shouts "Hell yeah!".
Bill turns to Hillary, grabs her and tosses her over the rails.
The crowd goes wild. Bill is hi-fiving the Secret Service agents and everyone around him while a wave starts from the center field bleachers.
A short while later, one of the SS agents leans over and says:
"Mr. President, that was fantastic. But he wanted you to throw out the first pitch..."
They chose to sit in the upper balcony in a private booth in order to take in the grandeur. The umpire walks out on to the field and yells up to the Clintons but they really cannot hear, so he yells a little louder. Bill, upon hearing the request, smiles and waves before giving his trademark thumbs up and shouts "Hell yeah!".
Bill turns to Hillary, grabs her and tosses her over the rails.
The crowd goes wild. Bill is hi-fiving the Secret Service agents and everyone around him while a wave starts from the center field bleachers.
A short while later, one of the SS agents leans over and says:
"Mr. President, that was fantastic. But he wanted you to throw out the first pitch..."
Jo6pak
Full Access Member
Everytime I call Hillary Clinton a bitch, my Lab gets offended.:sunot:
oppo
Full Access Member
ViperJeff
Administrator
True Story....
Went to the store tonight to pic up a few snacks...
ice cream, chocolate and vanilla
Ding Dongs
Twinkie's
Brownies
Chocolate Milk
and
Some Bread....
As I was finishing up with the check out, the cashier said, have a nice evening.
I looked him square in the face and said... "I will, we are having ice-cream sandwiches tonight"
Brought the Cashiers night to a crashing jaw dropping speechless halt. The person behind me in line couldn't stop laughing
Have a Great Day
Vj
Went to the store tonight to pic up a few snacks...
ice cream, chocolate and vanilla
Ding Dongs
Twinkie's
Brownies
Chocolate Milk
and
Some Bread....
As I was finishing up with the check out, the cashier said, have a nice evening.
I looked him square in the face and said... "I will, we are having ice-cream sandwiches tonight"
Brought the Cashiers night to a crashing jaw dropping speechless halt. The person behind me in line couldn't stop laughing
Have a Great Day
Vj
TheOl55
Full Access Member
I love it when you get to get off a Truly Great One Liner and it just stops people in their tracks. :lol2:
ViperJeff
Administrator
TheOl55
Full Access Member
I'm With That Little Girl
I was eating breakfast with my 10-year old granddaughter and I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?"
She said, "It's President's Day!"
She's a smart kid so I asked her, "What does President's Day mean?"
I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln.
But she replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House and if he sees his shadow, we have another year of bullshit!"
You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose!
I was eating breakfast with my 10-year old granddaughter and I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?"
She said, "It's President's Day!"
She's a smart kid so I asked her, "What does President's Day mean?"
I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln.
But she replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House and if he sees his shadow, we have another year of bullshit!"
You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose!
Sgt. Rock
Full Access Member
Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.
One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.
Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising".
Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.
A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw.
So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital..
Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.. The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising".
And sure enough, there's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.
But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.
Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.
Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead."
Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."
"No", says the nurse, "Some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.
One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.
Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising".
Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.
A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw.
So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital..
Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.. The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising".
And sure enough, there's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.
But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.
Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.
Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead."
Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."
"No", says the nurse, "Some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.
Sgt. Rock
Full Access Member
A woman survived a grizzly bear attack,
with one well placed shot from her itsy bitsy .25 caliber Beretta Jet fire.
These are her own words.:
While out hiking in Missoula Montana with my boyfriend,
We were surprised when a huge grizzly bear came charging at us out of nowhere.
She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive.
If I had not had my little Beretta Jet fire I would not be here today!
I yanked it out of my purse and fired one shot.
It hit my boyfriend in his kneecap and the bear caught him easily.
While the grizzly mauled the poor cripple,
I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.
I love that pistol. I'll find other boyfriends.
The End.
with one well placed shot from her itsy bitsy .25 caliber Beretta Jet fire.
These are her own words.:
While out hiking in Missoula Montana with my boyfriend,
We were surprised when a huge grizzly bear came charging at us out of nowhere.
She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive.
If I had not had my little Beretta Jet fire I would not be here today!
I yanked it out of my purse and fired one shot.
It hit my boyfriend in his kneecap and the bear caught him easily.
While the grizzly mauled the poor cripple,
I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.
I love that pistol. I'll find other boyfriends.
The End.
hotrodpc
Super Moderator
I member that one and have always liked it.
Shane's pussy ass did that in Walking Dead. He shot Otis in the knee to save himself from the walkers.
Shane's pussy ass did that in Walking Dead. He shot Otis in the knee to save himself from the walkers.
