Joke of the day

[Sgt. Rock]

Two blonds found three hand grenades and decided to take them to the police.

One asked, "What if one blows up?"

"We'll tell them we only found two," the other replied

 

[Jo6pak]

Two nuns were riding there bikes across town.

One said, "I've never come this way before."

"Yeah," the other replied, "It's cobblestone."

 

[kwo51]

What is black and white black and white black and white and red? Nun rolling down stairs.Sorry old catholic school joke.

 

[TheOl55]

The Candy With The Little Hole

This should make you smile. You have to love little kids.
The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red.....................Cherry
Yellow................Lemon
Green.................Lime
Orange ...............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers.
None of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, "I will give you all a clue. It's what your Mother
may sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and
yelled, "Oh my God! They're ass-holes!"

The teacher had to leave the room.

 

[TheOl55]

Replacement Prices

A man wakes up in the hospital, completely bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Good, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now, you won't remember this, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway.
You're going to be OK, you'll walk again and everything, but I'm very sad to say that your penis was completely severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "you must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed.

It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.. The doctor comes back in the next day.

"So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.


"We're getting granite countertops."

 

[TheOl55]

A real woman is a man's best friend.



She will never stand him up and never let him down.



She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.



She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.



She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.



She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident,sexy, seductive and invincible...



No wait...sorry.



I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that shit.



Never mind.

 

[TheOl55]

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.

'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne,when I put him to work.'

The plane took off, and once it has levelled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.'

He told Sniffer to 'search'.

Sniffer jumped down,walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.
'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.

Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.
The Policeman said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'

'I like it!' said his seat mate.

The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to sh*t all over the place.

The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on?'

The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'

 

[Sgt. Rock]

A Christmas Tradition

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

:angels2:

 

[Jo6pak]

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?"

The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?"

The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

 

[Jo6pak]

"A GONER"
A man and a woman were dating. She being of a religious nature had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.
One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing."
He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.
He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse.
At 60 off came the pants.
At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.
Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road over an embankment and wrapped the car around a tree.
His girlfriend was thrown clear but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck.
"Go up to the road and get help," he said.
"But I haven't anything to cover myself with!" she replied.
The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.
So, she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck driver.
Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.
"My boyfriend, my boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!" The truck driver, looking down at the shoe between her legs replies, "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!

 

[Sgt. Rock]

 

[Concealed 27]

Be careful I'm a blonde...lol, that's a good one i sent it to my girl use she's a blonde and she cracked up....thanks Sarge, made me laugh hard.......
Concealed 27

 

[kwo51]

How about a bald stamp.

 

[Jo6pak]

A man and his wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, “You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150.” The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, “Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?”
The man replied, “Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I can’t take that chance.”

 

[Sgt. Rock]

Your welcome Concealed..laughter is the best medicine they use to say. My wife is blonde too..I think if I showed her that joke I'd be sleeping in the bunker tonight.

:lol:

 

[TheOl55]

A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a ...snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Walmart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?"

 

[TheOl55]

LIVING WILL FORM


I, ____________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead partisan politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers/doctors/hospitals interested in simply running up the bills


If after a reasonable amount of time passes, and I fail to ask for: (Check all that apply): a Martini ______, a Margarita ______, a Scotch and soda ______, a Bloody Mary______, a beer ______, a Gin and Tonic _______, a Glass of Chardonnay ______, a Steak ______, Lobster or crab legs ______, the TV remote control ______, a bowl of ice cream ______, the sports page______, Sex______, or Chocolate_______, it should be presumed that I won 't ever get any better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes, and call it a day. At this point, it is time to call the New Orleans Jazz Funeral Band to come and do their thing at my funeral, and ask all of my friends to raise their glasses to toast the good times we have had or should not have had.


Signature:________________________Date:__________

P.S. I hear that in Arizona there is a Nursing Home with a Pub. The patients are happier, and they have a lot more visitors. Some of them don 't even need embalming when their time comes. If anyone knows the name of this happy place, PLEASE pass it on.

 

[kwo51]

It is paradise.

 

[Sgt. Rock]

P.S. I hear that in Arizona there is a Nursing Home with a Pub. The patients are happier, and they have a lot more visitors. Some of them don 't even need embalming when their time comes. If anyone knows the name of this happy place, PLEASE pass it on.[/QUOTE]

Why do you think I plan to retire to Arizona..afterwards just scatter my ashes out of a B-17 over the desert.

 

[TheOl55]

You may have to settle for a B-25, there are more of those still flying.