two guys were in a locker room changing, when one guy noticed the other guy had a cork up his ass. the first guy asked "hey what with the cork?" the second guy replies, "one day i found a lamp on the beach, so i rubbed it and a genie came out. he said that he would grant me three wishes" i said "no shit?"
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Joke of the day
- Thread starter RangerDanger
- Start date
RangerDanger
Full Access Member
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.
RangerDanger
Full Access Member
There are four kinds of sex :
HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.
HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.
RangerDanger
Full Access Member
A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?" The blind man replies, "That's a good piece of fir." "Correct, says the manager, now try this one." "That's a bad piece of willow," says the blind man. "Correct," answers the manager.
With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face. "I'm confused, says the blind man, Can you turn it around?" The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face. The blind man says, "Oh, you're trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It's the shit house door off a tuna boat!"
With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face. "I'm confused, says the blind man, Can you turn it around?" The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face. The blind man says, "Oh, you're trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It's the shit house door off a tuna boat!"
Dr_Pain
Full Access Member
Three strangers strike up a conversation in the passenger lounge in the Bozeman, Montana airport while waiting for their respective flights.
One is an American Indian, passing through from Deer Run, another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show, and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East.
Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.
The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face, and lights a cigarette.
Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, 'At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few.'
The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward,
'Once my people were few,' he sneers, 'and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?'
The cowboy removes his cigarette from his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl, 'I reckon that's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet. But I do believe, it's a-comin.'
One is an American Indian, passing through from Deer Run, another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show, and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East.
Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.
The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face, and lights a cigarette.
Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, 'At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few.'
The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward,
'Once my people were few,' he sneers, 'and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?'
The cowboy removes his cigarette from his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl, 'I reckon that's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet. But I do believe, it's a-comin.'
TheOl55
Full Access Member
A burglar breaks into a house. He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice "JESUS is watching you". He looks around with his flashlight wandering "What The HELL Was That?". He spots some $ on a table and takes it......Once again he hears a voice " JESUS is watching you". He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks " Was that your voice?". It said "YES". He then says "What's your name?". It says "MOSES". The burglar says " What kind of person names his bird moses??" The parrot replys "THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS ROTWEILER "JESUS".
TheOl55
Full Access Member
A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Humm, buffalo come". The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is confused and says to the Indian, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come"? and the Indian replies, "ear sticky".
TheOl55
Full Access Member
HISTORY LESSON
For those that don't know about history ... Here is a condensed version:
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1 . Liberals
2. Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement....
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing.This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. They became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass for obvious reasons.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish
but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men.Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud or Miller. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively.
Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little. They prefer to govern the producers....
and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get something for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history:
It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.
A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to piss them off.B
And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self.....I'm going to have another beer
For those that don't know about history ... Here is a condensed version:
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1 . Liberals
2. Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement....
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing.This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. They became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass for obvious reasons.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish
but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men.Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud or Miller. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively.
Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little. They prefer to govern the producers....
and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get something for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history:
It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.
A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to piss them off.B
And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self.....I'm going to have another beer
oppo
Full Access Member
Concealed 27
Full Access Member
"I'm not advocating for no guns. I like mine and am not about to give them up. But in this country, my uterus is more regulated than my guns. Birth control and reproductive health services are harder to get than bullets. What is that about? Guns don't kill people -- vaginas do?" -ShannynMoore, Alaska talk radio host and gun owner
I liked this one made me giggle....Concealed 27
I liked this one made me giggle....Concealed 27
Sgt. Rock
Full Access Member
The Three Generals
The Pentagon said they had too many generals running around, so they decided to get rid of some of them. They offered $10,000 in severance pay for each inch of their body -- to be measured however they chose.
The Air Force general went first. He said he wanted to be measured from his head to his toe. He was 69 inches. He received $690,000.
Next up was the Army general. He wanted to be measured from the tip of his finger to the tip of his other finger. It was 80 inches. He received $800,000.
The two generals were very happy with their earnings.
Finally the Marine general came up. He said he wanted to be measured from the tip of his dick to the tip of his balls. The man said, ''Sir, do you know how much the other generals received?''
The general said no. ''Sir, they received $690,000 and $800,000 respectively, are you sure that is what you want measured?''
The general said, ''Just do it!''
The man dropped the general's pants and measured his dick. When he went for the general's balls, they weren't there. The man said, ''Sir, where are your balls.''
The general said, ''I left them back in Vietnam.''
The Pentagon said they had too many generals running around, so they decided to get rid of some of them. They offered $10,000 in severance pay for each inch of their body -- to be measured however they chose.
The Air Force general went first. He said he wanted to be measured from his head to his toe. He was 69 inches. He received $690,000.
Next up was the Army general. He wanted to be measured from the tip of his finger to the tip of his other finger. It was 80 inches. He received $800,000.
The two generals were very happy with their earnings.
Finally the Marine general came up. He said he wanted to be measured from the tip of his dick to the tip of his balls. The man said, ''Sir, do you know how much the other generals received?''
The general said no. ''Sir, they received $690,000 and $800,000 respectively, are you sure that is what you want measured?''
The general said, ''Just do it!''
The man dropped the general's pants and measured his dick. When he went for the general's balls, they weren't there. The man said, ''Sir, where are your balls.''
The general said, ''I left them back in Vietnam.''
Sgt. Rock
Full Access Member
You must of watched Apocalypse Now recently.
[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3rAFMC2O9dQ&feature=player_detailpage]Apocalypse Now - How come all you guys sit on your helmets? - YouTube[/ame]
TheOl55
Full Access Member
The human body has 7 trillion nerves.......my wife manages to get on every fucking one of them.
————————————————————————————
I fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. They're brilliant...It makes the wife look like she’s actually moving during sex…
————————————————————————————
My wife said that she was leaving me because I always exaggerate. I was so shocked I almost tripped over my cock.
——————————————————————————
I went to the doctor’s office the other day and found out that my new doctor is young female and drop dead gorgeous. I was embarrassed, but she said, “Don't worry, I am a professional – I've seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I'll check it out.
I said, “My wife thinks my dick tastes funny
————————————————————————————
I was pretty excited when my new girlfriend sent me a text message claiming that she loves anal.
Dyslexic bitch, it turns out that she loves Alan, my best friend……
————————————————————————————
A guy is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells, “Don't enter that church, you damn fool !”
His wife asks him, “What are you watching?”
Husband replies, “Our wedding video.”
————————————————————————————
Life is like a penis....Soft and hanging freely....its women that make it hard.
————————————————————————————
I said to the wife, “Get me a newspaper”
“Don't be silly,” she said “You can borrow my iPad”
That spider never knew what fucking hit it.
———————————————————————–
I bought a new perfume for my wife called Chloroform but she doesn't like it. She says it makes her sleepy and her ass sore.
————————————————————————————
I fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. They're brilliant...It makes the wife look like she’s actually moving during sex…
————————————————————————————
My wife said that she was leaving me because I always exaggerate. I was so shocked I almost tripped over my cock.
——————————————————————————
I went to the doctor’s office the other day and found out that my new doctor is young female and drop dead gorgeous. I was embarrassed, but she said, “Don't worry, I am a professional – I've seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I'll check it out.
I said, “My wife thinks my dick tastes funny
————————————————————————————
I was pretty excited when my new girlfriend sent me a text message claiming that she loves anal.
Dyslexic bitch, it turns out that she loves Alan, my best friend……
————————————————————————————
A guy is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells, “Don't enter that church, you damn fool !”
His wife asks him, “What are you watching?”
Husband replies, “Our wedding video.”
————————————————————————————
Life is like a penis....Soft and hanging freely....its women that make it hard.
————————————————————————————
I said to the wife, “Get me a newspaper”
“Don't be silly,” she said “You can borrow my iPad”
That spider never knew what fucking hit it.
———————————————————————–
I bought a new perfume for my wife called Chloroform but she doesn't like it. She says it makes her sleepy and her ass sore.
RangerDanger
Full Access Member
^^^ The last one was great lmao
Sgt. Rock
Full Access Member
Air Force One's inspection after a flight over Texas.
hotrodpc
Super Moderator
Obama isn't man enough to get a BJ in the Oval Office, but you know he's been fappin his junk !!! :idiot:
