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Joke of the day
- Thread starter RangerDanger
- Start date
Sgt. Rock
Full Access Member
Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS for special training.
After the first day they met up in the bar. "Ah, Francois," asks one, "ow 'av you been doing?"
"Merde!" answers Francois. "I 'av 'ad ze most terrible day. At seex zis morning, I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me out of bed and on to ze parade ground."
"And zen what 'appened?"
"I will tell you what 'appened - 'E made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform, two metres off ze ground and zen 'e said "Jurmp!"
"And did you jurmp?"
"I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp Two metres. Eet is beneath my dignity'."
"And zen what 'appened?"
"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform five metres off ze ground, and 'e said "Jurmp."
"And did you jurmp?"
"I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp five metres. Eet is beneath my dignity'."
"What 'appened zen?"
"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform thirty metres above ze parade ground. 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous weely, and said, 'If you do not jurmp, I am going to steek zis right urp your burme!'"
"Sacre Bleu, mon ami. And did you jurmp?"
"A leetle - at ze beginning....."
After the first day they met up in the bar. "Ah, Francois," asks one, "ow 'av you been doing?"
"Merde!" answers Francois. "I 'av 'ad ze most terrible day. At seex zis morning, I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me out of bed and on to ze parade ground."
"And zen what 'appened?"
"I will tell you what 'appened - 'E made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform, two metres off ze ground and zen 'e said "Jurmp!"
"And did you jurmp?"
"I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp Two metres. Eet is beneath my dignity'."
"And zen what 'appened?"
"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform five metres off ze ground, and 'e said "Jurmp."
"And did you jurmp?"
"I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp five metres. Eet is beneath my dignity'."
"What 'appened zen?"
"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform thirty metres above ze parade ground. 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous weely, and said, 'If you do not jurmp, I am going to steek zis right urp your burme!'"
"Sacre Bleu, mon ami. And did you jurmp?"
"A leetle - at ze beginning....."
priell3
Full Access Member
MONDAY
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was
concerned that her daughter was having sex.
Worried that the girl might become pregnant and adversely affect the family's social status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today are very willful, and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and, until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was heading out for a date, the mother told her about her concerns, and handed her a box of condoms. > The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying, “Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that!
I'm dating Susan!”
TUESDAY
A man went to church one Sunday and afterward stopped to shake the preacher's hand.
He said, “Preacher, I'll tell you, that was one damned fine sermon. Damned good!”
The preacher said,”Thank you, sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.”
The man said, “I was so damned impressed with your sermon that I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!”
The preacher replied, “No sh*t!”
WEDNESDAY
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some embarrassment, they explained that, although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, “Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.”
The next morning, when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
“Gee, Mom,” the boy exclaimed. “For me?”
“Just take two,” Brenda replied. “The rest are for your father.”
THURSDAY
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.
She became violently angry, and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her defense.
“Your Honor,” she began coolly, “I figured that, at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.”
FRIDAY
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here years ago! Red meat is awful! Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining! Chinese food is loaded with MSG! High fat diets can be disastrous! And none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water!
“However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly answered, “wedding cake.”
SATURDAY
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, showed up at the country club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocked everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm, and who hung over Bob's arm and listened intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club were all astonished, and envious. At the very first chance, they cornered him and asked, “Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?”
Bob replied, “Girlfriend? Hell no! She's my wife!”
They were all stunned, but one asked “So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?''
“I lied about my age,” Bob replied.
' “What, did you tell her you were only 50?”
Bob smiled and said, “No! I told her I was 90!”
SUNDAY
Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.
She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. “These,” she explained, “are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.”
She then asked, “What do you do in America with your old goats?”
A spry old gentleman answered, “They send us on bus tours!”
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was
concerned that her daughter was having sex.
Worried that the girl might become pregnant and adversely affect the family's social status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today are very willful, and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and, until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was heading out for a date, the mother told her about her concerns, and handed her a box of condoms. > The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying, “Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that!
I'm dating Susan!”
TUESDAY
A man went to church one Sunday and afterward stopped to shake the preacher's hand.
He said, “Preacher, I'll tell you, that was one damned fine sermon. Damned good!”
The preacher said,”Thank you, sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.”
The man said, “I was so damned impressed with your sermon that I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!”
The preacher replied, “No sh*t!”
WEDNESDAY
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some embarrassment, they explained that, although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, “Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.”
The next morning, when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
“Gee, Mom,” the boy exclaimed. “For me?”
“Just take two,” Brenda replied. “The rest are for your father.”
THURSDAY
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.
She became violently angry, and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her defense.
“Your Honor,” she began coolly, “I figured that, at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.”
FRIDAY
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here years ago! Red meat is awful! Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining! Chinese food is loaded with MSG! High fat diets can be disastrous! And none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water!
“However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly answered, “wedding cake.”
SATURDAY
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, showed up at the country club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocked everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm, and who hung over Bob's arm and listened intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club were all astonished, and envious. At the very first chance, they cornered him and asked, “Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?”
Bob replied, “Girlfriend? Hell no! She's my wife!”
They were all stunned, but one asked “So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?''
“I lied about my age,” Bob replied.
' “What, did you tell her you were only 50?”
Bob smiled and said, “No! I told her I was 90!”
SUNDAY
Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.
She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. “These,” she explained, “are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.”
She then asked, “What do you do in America with your old goats?”
A spry old gentleman answered, “They send us on bus tours!”
priell3
Full Access Member
Indisputable mathematical logic.
What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
And
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But ,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there. It’s the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
Now you know why some people are where they are!
What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
And
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But ,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there. It’s the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
Now you know why some people are where they are!
Age does matter!
Over 60
This chick looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."
I mean, when you are over sixty, who gives a shit?
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
When you are over sixty, who gives a shit?
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
When you are over sixty, who gives a shit?
I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard yelled at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you are over sixty, who gives a shit?
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Honestly, when you are over sixty, who really give
Over 60
This chick looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."
I mean, when you are over sixty, who gives a shit?
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
When you are over sixty, who gives a shit?
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
When you are over sixty, who gives a shit?
I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard yelled at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you are over sixty, who gives a shit?
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Honestly, when you are over sixty, who really give
SilvrSRT10
Super Moderator
Not 60 yet but it's coming up fast.
#860
Full Access Member
I really don't give a shit. 
Sgt. Rock
Full Access Member
I'll be 62 this year and looking forward to finally giving shit to anybody who will listen to me..
oppo
Full Access Member
62? Watch your 6 going into Walmart.
SilvrSRT10
Super Moderator
Headline: Dick Holliday Went to Church???
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four
separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol; the second worm was put into a container of cigarette
smoke; the third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup and the fourth worm was put into a container of good
clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol ... Dead .
The second worm in cigarette smoke ... Dead .
Third worm in chocolate syrup ... Dead .
Fourth worm in good clean soil ... Alive...
So the Minister asked the congregation, "What did you learn from this demonstration?"
Dick Holliday was sitting in the back, quickly raised his hand and said
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four
separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol; the second worm was put into a container of cigarette
smoke; the third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup and the fourth worm was put into a container of good
clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol ... Dead .
The second worm in cigarette smoke ... Dead .
Third worm in chocolate syrup ... Dead .
Fourth worm in good clean soil ... Alive...
So the Minister asked the congregation, "What did you learn from this demonstration?"
Dick Holliday was sitting in the back, quickly raised his hand and said
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
Sgt. Rock
Full Access Member
Magic Beer
A lady walks into a bar and sees a really good-looking guy sitting at the
bar by himself. She goes over and asks him he is drinking.
"Magic Beer", he says.
She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after
realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the
man sitting at the bar and says, "That isn't really Magic beer, is it?"
"Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window,
flies around the building three times and comes back in the window.
The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again." He takes another
drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three
times, and comes back in the window.
She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to
the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having." She gets her drink,
takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories,
breaks every bone in her body, and dies.
The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk .
A lady walks into a bar and sees a really good-looking guy sitting at the
bar by himself. She goes over and asks him he is drinking.
"Magic Beer", he says.
She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after
realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the
man sitting at the bar and says, "That isn't really Magic beer, is it?"
"Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window,
flies around the building three times and comes back in the window.
The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again." He takes another
drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three
times, and comes back in the window.
She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to
the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having." She gets her drink,
takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories,
breaks every bone in her body, and dies.
The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk .
Jo6pak
Full Access Member
That wasn't a back up light, they were just on fire
Might just be a typo.
I'd guess they had back-up lights, those white (at least in germany they are) lights on the rear end to signal backing up, so nothing got in their way while they hauled their butts out of where they were.
Max
