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Joke of the day
- Thread starter RangerDanger
- Start date
TheOl55
Full Access Member
A young man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."
The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2014 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull-shittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . You started it . . . . “
He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."
The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2014 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull-shittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . You started it . . . . “
TheOl55
Full Access Member
Conundrum
You are on a Horse, galloping at a constant speed.
On your right side is a sharp drop off.
And on your left side is an Elephant traveling at the same speed as you.
Directly in front of you is a galloping Kangaroo and your horse is unable to
overtake it.
Behind you is a Lion running at the same speed as you and the Kangaroo.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Get your drunken ass off the merry-go-round
An Oldie but a Goodie..
You are on a Horse, galloping at a constant speed.
On your right side is a sharp drop off.
And on your left side is an Elephant traveling at the same speed as you.
Directly in front of you is a galloping Kangaroo and your horse is unable to
overtake it.
Behind you is a Lion running at the same speed as you and the Kangaroo.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Get your drunken ass off the merry-go-round
An Oldie but a Goodie..
Next This is so disappointing.
CNN reported today that Walt Disney's new film called "Jet Black," the African-American version of "Snow White" has been canceled.
All of the 7 dwarfs: Dealer, Stealer, Mugger, Forger, Drive By, Homeboy, and Shank have refused to sing "Hi Ho, Hi Ho" because they say it offends black prostitutes.
They also say there ain't no way in hell they're gonna sing "It's off to work we go!"
CNN reported today that Walt Disney's new film called "Jet Black," the African-American version of "Snow White" has been canceled.
All of the 7 dwarfs: Dealer, Stealer, Mugger, Forger, Drive By, Homeboy, and Shank have refused to sing "Hi Ho, Hi Ho" because they say it offends black prostitutes.
They also say there ain't no way in hell they're gonna sing "It's off to work we go!"
SilvrSRT10
Super Moderator
Ron Chestna, 89 years of age, was stopped by police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night .
Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects
it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
Ron replied, "That would be my wife."
Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects
it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
Ron replied, "That would be my wife."
SilvrSRT10
Super Moderator
[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lt-AaiJlDkE[/ame]
Concealed 27
Full Access Member
That's hilarious....I love it
TheOl55
Full Access Member
Do you fart in bed ?
If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I’ll pray for you. This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.” “What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in…….............…..”
If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I’ll pray for you. This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.” “What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in…….............…..”
SilvrSRT10
Super Moderator
A figment of your imagination? Or are you referring to Tiny Tim from the Christmas Carol? Or possibly Tiny Tim from "Tiptoe through the Tulips"? Or I had a cat named Tim.
Last edited:
priell3
Full Access Member
SilvrSRT10
Super Moderator
What the heck is that?
Sgt. Rock
Full Access Member
The missing link????
priell3
Full Access Member
Concealed 27
Full Access Member
TheOl55
Full Access Member
Things your kids will be thinking one day, too 
Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 minutes, come out wrinkle free, and three sizes smaller?
Last year, I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.
I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks.
I don't need anger management, I need people to stop pissing me off.
Old age is coming at a really bad time.
When I was a child, I thought nap time was a punishment. Now it just feels like a small vacation.
The biggest lie I tell myself is, "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
Lord, grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the friends to post bail when I finally snap!
I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights."
My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance for idiots that needs work.
Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.
The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes."
I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.
When did it change from "We the people" to "Screw the people"?
I've lost my mind, and I'm pretty sure my kids took it!
Even duct tape can't fix "stupid," but it can muffle the sound!
Why do I have to press "one" for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
Lord, give me patience, and give it to me NOW!
Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.
Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?
At my age, "getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is a tree, that makes it a plant, which means: chocolate is salad!
Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 minutes, come out wrinkle free, and three sizes smaller?
Last year, I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.
I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks.
I don't need anger management, I need people to stop pissing me off.
Old age is coming at a really bad time.
When I was a child, I thought nap time was a punishment. Now it just feels like a small vacation.
The biggest lie I tell myself is, "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
Lord, grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the friends to post bail when I finally snap!
I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights."
My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance for idiots that needs work.
Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.
The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes."
I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.
When did it change from "We the people" to "Screw the people"?
I've lost my mind, and I'm pretty sure my kids took it!
Even duct tape can't fix "stupid," but it can muffle the sound!
Why do I have to press "one" for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
Lord, give me patience, and give it to me NOW!
Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.
Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?
At my age, "getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is a tree, that makes it a plant, which means: chocolate is salad!
ViperJeff
Administrator
An admiral visited one of the ships of the line under his command.
While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the Naval insignia stamped on every biscuit.
He went to the Chief cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command.
The Chief replied, "I’d be glad to share that with you, Admiral. After each biscuit is cut, I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the Navy insignia.
Horrified the Admiral exclaims, "That's very unhygienic!"
The Chief shrugs and replies, "Well, If that’s the way you feel, sir, I suggest you avoid the donuts."
While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the Naval insignia stamped on every biscuit.
He went to the Chief cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command.
The Chief replied, "I’d be glad to share that with you, Admiral. After each biscuit is cut, I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the Navy insignia.
Horrified the Admiral exclaims, "That's very unhygienic!"
The Chief shrugs and replies, "Well, If that’s the way you feel, sir, I suggest you avoid the donuts."
