Concealed 27
Full Access Member
Truth hurts....lmao
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Joke of the day
- Thread starter RangerDanger
- Start date
Concealed 27
Full Access Member
An entrepreneur attended an auction at which he won the bid on an old safe. With dreams of a large fortune inside, he was told that the business from which the safe originated was so long defunct, that no one had the combination. Undaunted, he called a locksmith to try to get the safe open.
The first locksmith told the entrepreneur that it would cost forty dollars to open the safe intact. However, tried as he might, he couldn’t open it, and told the wealthy man that he had lost his money in buying the safe.
The entrepreneur then contacted another locksmith, a crusty, bent old man with three days’ growth of white whiskers, who took a long look at the safe, noted its manufacturer and retired to his truck. Shortly, he returned with a power drill, a ruler, and a small, bent piece of metal.
The locksmith measured a few inches from the dial and marked an “x” at the “two o’clock” mark. It took more than half an hour for the old man to drill through the safe’s door. He then took the bent metal, hooked it through the hole and fished around a few moments until a loud “CLICK” was heard. Turning the handle the door swung open slowly.
The safe was empty.
Disappointed, the entrepreneur turned to the locksmith and asked the charge for opening the safe.
“A hundred and twenty dollars,” replied the locksmith.
“A hundred and twenty dollars?!” shouted the businessman, “That’s outrageous! The other man only wanted forty! I want an itemized bill for it!”
“Okay.” The locksmith turned on his heel and returned to his truck. A few minutes later, the entrepreneur was presented with a dirty piece of paper upon which the locksmith had written:
“Charge for drilling hole — $20
Charge for knowing WHERE to drill hole — $100
The first locksmith told the entrepreneur that it would cost forty dollars to open the safe intact. However, tried as he might, he couldn’t open it, and told the wealthy man that he had lost his money in buying the safe.
The entrepreneur then contacted another locksmith, a crusty, bent old man with three days’ growth of white whiskers, who took a long look at the safe, noted its manufacturer and retired to his truck. Shortly, he returned with a power drill, a ruler, and a small, bent piece of metal.
The locksmith measured a few inches from the dial and marked an “x” at the “two o’clock” mark. It took more than half an hour for the old man to drill through the safe’s door. He then took the bent metal, hooked it through the hole and fished around a few moments until a loud “CLICK” was heard. Turning the handle the door swung open slowly.
The safe was empty.
Disappointed, the entrepreneur turned to the locksmith and asked the charge for opening the safe.
“A hundred and twenty dollars,” replied the locksmith.
“A hundred and twenty dollars?!” shouted the businessman, “That’s outrageous! The other man only wanted forty! I want an itemized bill for it!”
“Okay.” The locksmith turned on his heel and returned to his truck. A few minutes later, the entrepreneur was presented with a dirty piece of paper upon which the locksmith had written:
“Charge for drilling hole — $20
Charge for knowing WHERE to drill hole — $100
Concealed 27
Full Access Member
3 virgin sisters
were all getting married within a short time period. Mum was a bit
worried about how their sex life would get started and made them all promise to
send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions
of marital sex.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said
nothing but: “Nescafe”. Puzzled at first, Mum went to her kitchen and got out the
Nescafe jar. It said: “Good till the last drop”. Mum blushed, but was pleased for
her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from the Maldives a week after the wedding, and
the card read: “Rothmans”. Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's
cigarettes to read from the pack: “Extra Long. King Size”. She was again slightly
embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl departed for her honeymoon in New Zealand . Mum waited for a week,
nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. A month passed; still nothing.. A card
finally arrived from Auckland on which was written with shaky hand, “Air New Zealand “..
Mum took out her latest travel magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst,
and finally found the ad for Air NZ.
'Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways.' :favorites37:
MUM FAINTED !!!!!
were all getting married within a short time period. Mum was a bit
worried about how their sex life would get started and made them all promise to
send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions
of marital sex.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said
nothing but: “Nescafe”. Puzzled at first, Mum went to her kitchen and got out the
Nescafe jar. It said: “Good till the last drop”. Mum blushed, but was pleased for
her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from the Maldives a week after the wedding, and
the card read: “Rothmans”. Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's
cigarettes to read from the pack: “Extra Long. King Size”. She was again slightly
embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl departed for her honeymoon in New Zealand . Mum waited for a week,
nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. A month passed; still nothing.. A card
finally arrived from Auckland on which was written with shaky hand, “Air New Zealand “..
Mum took out her latest travel magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst,
and finally found the ad for Air NZ.
'Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways.' :favorites37:
MUM FAINTED !!!!!
Jo6pak
Full Access Member
An invisible man and an invisible woman got married and started a family.
The kids are nothing to look at.
The kids are nothing to look at.
Sgt. Rock
Full Access Member
A bear walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't give beer to bears in bars."
The bear replies, "If you don't give me a beer, I'll eat that lady over there."
The bartender says, "Go ahead."
So the bear eats the lady and asks for a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't give beer to bears on drugs."
"What do you mean," asks the bear. "I'm not on drugs."
"Yes, you are, that was the bar bitch you ate."
The bear replies, "If you don't give me a beer, I'll eat that lady over there."
The bartender says, "Go ahead."
So the bear eats the lady and asks for a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't give beer to bears on drugs."
"What do you mean," asks the bear. "I'm not on drugs."
"Yes, you are, that was the bar bitch you ate."
oppo
Full Access Member
[ame]www.youtube.com/watch?v=8wonf-Lb94k[/ame]
Sgt. Rock
Full Access Member
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess
what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose
patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
:cheers:
what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose
patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
:cheers:
priell3
Full Access Member
What's the difference between a NFL Player's Wedding and everyone else's
Normally the Bride doesn't get hit by RICE until after the Ceremony!!!
Normally the Bride doesn't get hit by RICE until after the Ceremony!!!
Concealed 27
Full Access Member
Ouch, that one hurt me....lmao
Concealed 27
Concealed 27
Sgt. Rock
Full Access Member
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her MARINE husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
'What are you doing?' she asked.
'Hunting flies' he responded.
'Oh. ! Killing any?' she again asked.
'Yep, three males, two females,' he replied.
Intrigued, she asked.
'How can you tell them apart?'
He responded,
"Three were on a beer can,
and two were on the phone!".
'What are you doing?' she asked.
'Hunting flies' he responded.
'Oh. ! Killing any?' she again asked.
'Yep, three males, two females,' he replied.
Intrigued, she asked.
'How can you tell them apart?'
He responded,
"Three were on a beer can,
and two were on the phone!".
TheOl55
Full Access Member
*If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates. *~Jay Leno~
*The problem with political jokes is they get elected. *~Henry Cate, VII~
*We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. *~Aesop~
*If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union Speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven. *~Will Rogers~
*When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it. *~Clarence Darrow~
*Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, they go out and buy some more tunnel. *~John Quinton~
*Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other. *~Oscar Ameringer~
*I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them. *~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952~
*A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.*~ Tex Guinan~
*I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.*~Charles de Gaulle~
*Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. ~Doug Larson~
*There ought to be one day -- just one -- when there is open season on senators. *~Will Rogers~
BUT - my favorite is from Harry Truman:
If you want a real friend - that you can trust in Washington - go buy a dog!
*The problem with political jokes is they get elected. *~Henry Cate, VII~
*We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. *~Aesop~
*If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union Speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven. *~Will Rogers~
*When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it. *~Clarence Darrow~
*Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, they go out and buy some more tunnel. *~John Quinton~
*Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other. *~Oscar Ameringer~
*I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them. *~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952~
*A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.*~ Tex Guinan~
*I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.*~Charles de Gaulle~
*Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. ~Doug Larson~
*There ought to be one day -- just one -- when there is open season on senators. *~Will Rogers~
BUT - my favorite is from Harry Truman:
If you want a real friend - that you can trust in Washington - go buy a dog!
Concealed 27
Full Access Member
Name your dogs
A friend to her blond friend, “what are the names of your dogs?”
The she responded that one was named Rolex and the other Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HellOOOooo," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs."
A friend to her blond friend, “what are the names of your dogs?”
The she responded that one was named Rolex and the other Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HellOOOooo," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs."
Concealed 27
Full Access Member
osama made his way to the pearly gates
After dying a grisly death in a fire fight, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he was greeted by George Washington. "How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yelled Washington, slapping Osama in the face.
Patrick Henry came up from behind, "You wanted to end the American's liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punched Osama in the nose.
James Madison came next and said, "This is why I allowed the government to provide for the common defense!" He took a sledge hammer and whacked Osama's knees.
Osama was subject to similar beatings from John Randolph, James Monroe and 67 other people who had the same love for liberty and America. As he writhed on the ground, Thomas Jefferson hurled him back toward the gate where he was to be judged.
As Osama awaited his journey to his final very hot destination, he screamed, "This is not what I was promised!"
An angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?"
:favorites37:
After dying a grisly death in a fire fight, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he was greeted by George Washington. "How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yelled Washington, slapping Osama in the face.
Patrick Henry came up from behind, "You wanted to end the American's liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punched Osama in the nose.
James Madison came next and said, "This is why I allowed the government to provide for the common defense!" He took a sledge hammer and whacked Osama's knees.
Osama was subject to similar beatings from John Randolph, James Monroe and 67 other people who had the same love for liberty and America. As he writhed on the ground, Thomas Jefferson hurled him back toward the gate where he was to be judged.
As Osama awaited his journey to his final very hot destination, he screamed, "This is not what I was promised!"
An angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?"
:favorites37:
Concealed 27
Full Access Member
O155 that's a great collection of good ones.....truth hurts don't it...lol
Concealed 27
Full Access Member
Sgt. Rock
Full Access Member
In a recent study done by a major soap and body products company it was determined that Democrats have more sex in the shower than Republicans.
The study showed that 86 percent of Democrats experienced sex in the shower.
The remaining 14 percent hadn't been to prison yet.
Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it?
The study showed that 86 percent of Democrats experienced sex in the shower.
The remaining 14 percent hadn't been to prison yet.
Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it?
Concealed 27
Full Access Member
Good one Sarge...lmao
