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Joke of the day
- Thread starter RangerDanger
- Start date
TheOl55
Full Access Member
Old Butch
John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance which rooster was performing.
Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but one morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No-Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully next election - the bells are not always audible!
John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance which rooster was performing.
Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but one morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No-Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully next election - the bells are not always audible!
SilvrSRT10
Super Moderator
You just got to love the Brits.
A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London. He curtly asked the cabbie
to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen
to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western
music which is the music of the infidel.
The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door.
The Arab Muslim asked him, "What are you doing? "
The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so piss off and wait for a camel!"
A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London. He curtly asked the cabbie
to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen
to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western
music which is the music of the infidel.
The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door.
The Arab Muslim asked him, "What are you doing? "
The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so piss off and wait for a camel!"
ViperJeff
Administrator
That works
ViperJeff
Administrator
Joke of the Day
Eric Holder will make everything OK in Ferguson MO and bring the expected justice that the rioters are wanting
Eric Holder will make everything OK in Ferguson MO and bring the expected justice that the rioters are wanting
Concealed 27
Full Access Member
tale of 2 doctors
Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require hip surgery.
The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.
The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then pending the review boards decision on his age and remaining value to society.
Why the different treatment for the two patients?
The FIRST is a Golden Retriever taken to a vet.
The SECOND is a Senior Citizen on Obama care...
In November, if there is no change in government,
we may have to find a good vet...
Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require hip surgery.
The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.
The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then pending the review boards decision on his age and remaining value to society.
Why the different treatment for the two patients?
The FIRST is a Golden Retriever taken to a vet.
The SECOND is a Senior Citizen on Obama care...
In November, if there is no change in government,
we may have to find a good vet...
Concealed 27
Full Access Member
payday
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being pay-day, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay check.
When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him.
“How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?” To which he replied. “That would be fine with me.”
Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being pay-day, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay check.
When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him.
“How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?” To which he replied. “That would be fine with me.”
Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
ViperJeff
Administrator
Nothing worse than a short time solution to a long time problem... No Joke!
Concealed 27
Full Access Member
Agreed but it was funny imho.....
Concealed 27
Concealed 27
ViperJeff
Administrator
Yes Sir, I really did Laugh Out Loud
SilvrSRT10
Super Moderator
I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite.
I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for
a few seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.
I tried this a few more times with no success.
All the while, my wife Carol is watching from the kitchen window,
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yelled to me,
'You need a piece of tail.'
I turned with a confused look on my face and yelled back,
'Make up your mind, Last night, you told me to go fly a kite'…
I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for
a few seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.
I tried this a few more times with no success.
All the while, my wife Carol is watching from the kitchen window,
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yelled to me,
'You need a piece of tail.'
I turned with a confused look on my face and yelled back,
'Make up your mind, Last night, you told me to go fly a kite'…
ViperJeff
Administrator
Awesome!!!!!
oppo
Full Access Member
Sgt. Rock
Full Access Member
Air Traffic Control Joke
Atlanta Tower: "Saudi Air 511 --
You are cleared to land on runway 9R."
Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta . Acknowledge cleared to land on
infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised."
Atlanta Tower: " Iran Air 711 -
You are cleared to land on runway 27L."
Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta .
We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 27L.
-Allah is Great."
Pause....
Saudi Air: "ATLANTA TOWER - ATLANTA TOWER !"
Atlanta Tower: "Go ahead Saudi Air 511.."
Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR
THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE
ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE . . . . .
INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE!"
Atlanta Tower: "Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus.
* A M E N *
Ya'll go on ahead now and tell ALLAH "hey" for us."
Atlanta Tower: "Saudi Air 511 --
You are cleared to land on runway 9R."
Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta . Acknowledge cleared to land on
infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised."
Atlanta Tower: " Iran Air 711 -
You are cleared to land on runway 27L."
Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta .
We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 27L.
-Allah is Great."
Pause....
Saudi Air: "ATLANTA TOWER - ATLANTA TOWER !"
Atlanta Tower: "Go ahead Saudi Air 511.."
Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR
THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE
ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE . . . . .
INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE!"
Atlanta Tower: "Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus.
* A M E N *
Ya'll go on ahead now and tell ALLAH "hey" for us."
SilvrSRT10
Super Moderator
New Ford F-150 Truck Seats
I stopped by the Ford Dealership yesterday, for a look at the new
F 150 pickup. Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive
I wanted to sense that new "feel" before they had been bragging about
The salesman (man wearing an Obama "change" lapel pin) sat
in the passenger seat describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options.
The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the
seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to
your butt in the summer heat.
Feeling like messing with him, I mentioned that this must be a
Republican version of the F-150 truck.
Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican
version of the truck.
I explained that if it were an Obama Democrat truck, the seats would just
Blow smoke up your ass year-round.
I had to walk back to the dealership. Damn guy had no sense of
humor. :shrug:
I stopped by the Ford Dealership yesterday, for a look at the new
F 150 pickup. Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive
I wanted to sense that new "feel" before they had been bragging about
The salesman (man wearing an Obama "change" lapel pin) sat
in the passenger seat describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options.
The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the
seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to
your butt in the summer heat.
Feeling like messing with him, I mentioned that this must be a
Republican version of the F-150 truck.
Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican
version of the truck.
I explained that if it were an Obama Democrat truck, the seats would just
Blow smoke up your ass year-round.
I had to walk back to the dealership. Damn guy had no sense of
humor. :shrug:
Last edited:
Sgt. Rock
Full Access Member
An old blind guy wanders into an all girl biker bar by mistake.... He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender - 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The whole bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says - 'Before you tell that joke Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things':
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy Club'.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The old guy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters ……..
'No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.......'
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender - 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The whole bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says - 'Before you tell that joke Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things':
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy Club'.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The old guy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters ……..
'No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.......'
