Joke of the day

[TheOl55]

A DEA (Drug Enforcement Agency) officer stopped
at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher.
He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for
illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....",
as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying,
" Mister, I have the authority of the
Federal Government of the United States of America with me!"

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant
officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.


"See this f*****g badge? This badge means I am allowed to
go wherever I wish.... On any land!
No questions asked or answers given!
Have I made myself clear? ...... Do you understand?"

The rancher then nodded politely,
apologized and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams,
looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life,
being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull.

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer,
and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before
he reached safety.
The officer was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools,
ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.



(I just love this part....)






"Your badge!
Show him your f*****g BADGE........ !"

 

[Jo6pak]

Oldie but a goodie

 

[oppo]

Yes it is

 

[kwo51]

Take away the bulls credit card and he will stop charging.

 

[Concealed 27]

What's the difference a good friend and a true friend.....
A good friend bails you out of jail.
A true friend is sitting in the cell with you saying "Damn! That was fun!
Concealed 27

 

[TheOl55]

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.



In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'
She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.' The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.

 

[Concealed 27]

Dreams

Only if dreams came true

 

[kwo51]

Can't fire a King.

 

[Jo6pak]

not sure if this "oldie" has been posted yet

A blonde moves to a new school.
Wanting to make new friends, she joins the swim team, because she sees that they have an event called the breast stroke – I’m a shoo-in, she figures.
They have the first meet, and she comes in fourth.
Afterwards, toweling off her hair, she approaches the judges. “You know” she says, a little petulant, “I don’t mean to complain, but I’m pretty sure some of the other girls were using their arms”.

 

[kwo51]

Why men take guns over women.
10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
4. Guns function normally every day of the month.
3. A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason why men prefer guns over women...
1. You can buy a silencer for a gun!

 

[Max]

Why men take guns over women.
10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
4. Guns function normally every day of the month.
3. A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason why men prefer guns over women...
1. You can buy a silencer for a gun!

I got number 11:
When you sell it a gun goes without taking half of your stuff with you.

 

[Sgt. Rock]

A California man who was put under 72 hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had 100,000 rounds of ammunition stored in his home. The house also featured a secret escape tunnel.

By Southern California standards, someone owning 100,000 rounds is considered "mentally unstable."

In Michigan, he'd be called "The last white guy still living in Detroit."
In Arizona, he'd be called "an avid gun collector."
In Arkansas, he'd be called "a novice gun collector."
In Utah, he'd be called "moderately well prepared," but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food.
In Oklahoma, he'd be "A guy down the road you would want to have for a friend."
In Montana, he'd be called "The neighborhood 'Go-To' guy."
In Alabama, he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate."
In Georgia, he'd be called "an eligible bachelor."
In North Carolina, Virginia,Mississippi, Tennessee, Kentucky and South Carolina he would be called "a deer hunting buddy."
And in Texas he'd just be "Bubba, who's a little short on ammo."

 

[TheOl55]

A California man who was put under 72 hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had 100,000 rounds of ammunition stored in his home. The house also featured a secret escape tunnel.

By Southern California standards, someone owning 100,000 rounds is considered "mentally unstable."

In Michigan, he'd be called "The last white guy still living in Detroit."
In Arizona, he'd be called "an avid gun collector."
In Arkansas, he'd be called "a novice gun collector."
In Utah, he'd be called "moderately well prepared," but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food.
In Oklahoma, he'd be "A guy down the road you would want to have for a friend."
In Montana, he'd be called "The neighborhood 'Go-To' guy."
In Alabama, he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate."
In Georgia, he'd be called "an eligible bachelor."
In North Carolina, Virginia,Mississippi, Tennessee, Kentucky and South Carolina he would be called "a deer hunting buddy."
And in Texas he'd just be "Bubba, who's a little short on ammo."

This is just Too True....:emotions122:

 

[kwo51]

In florida he'd be called ready.

 

[Jo6pak]

In florida he'd be called retired.

Fixed it for you:bleh:

 

[kwo51]

That too. Interesting enough I am a native,also called a cracker.

 

[Concealed 27]

Me to, thought there was not many of us.....#FLORIDACRACKERSRULE
Concealed 27

 

[TheOl55]

George was planning on going out with "The Boys" when his wife told him that he wasn't leaving the house.

George's Wife: "The last time you went out with your friends you got so drunk that you puked on your shirt."

George: "But Honey, I promise that I wont drink a drop of alcohol all night!"

So after begging his old lady for an hour, George got the OK the go out with the guys as long as he stayed off of the booze.

George met up with the guys at a local bar and proceeded to get shit-faced. After about 3 hours of guzzling liquor, George blew chow all over his shirt.

George: "Shit! The old lady is going to throw my ass out of the house for getting drunk and puking on my new shirt!"

Bill, George's best pal, gave drunk ass George an idea of how to keep from getting in trouble with the wife.

Bill: "All you got to do is have a $20 bill in your hand when you walk through the door. Then, when she accuses you of barfing all over yourself, just tell her that some other drunk puked on you and that he gave you 20 bucks to get the shirt cleaned."

So, when drunk ass George walked into the house with money in hand, his wife was waiting for him in the living room.

Georges wife: "I knew that your drunk ass would spew bile and booze all over that new shirt!"

George: "Honey, let me explain! This drunken fool at the bar puked on me and gave me 20 bucks to have it cleaned."

His wife snatched the money out of his hand and observed that he was holding two $20 bills.

George's wife: "Is that so? Then where did the other 20 dollar bill come from?"

George: "Oh, That's from the guy who shit in my pants."

 

[priell3]

A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth.

The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, his sermon lasted just eight minutes.

The second Sunday, his sermon lasted ten minutes.

The following Sunday, he talked for 2 HOURS and 48 minutes.

The congregation finally rushed the pulpit and asked him what the hell he was doing.

The Pastor explained that on the first Sunday after getting his new teeth, his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than eight minutes at a time. The second Sunday was only slightly better, but his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But on the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and God help him, he just couldn't shut the fuck up.

 

[oppo]

Bwahahahaha!!!!!!!