Joke of the day

[Sgt. Rock]

The Haircut

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.

'The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it

.After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.

The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair too and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'

You're going to love the Dad's reply:

'Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?'

 

[Jo6pak]

I have long hair, and I think that joke is hilarious

 

[MrMarty51]

I dont have any hair and I think it is funny too. LOL

 

[oppo]

I dont have any hair and I think it is funny too. LOL

Right there with you. I get all my haircuts courtesy of Gillette.

 

[kwo51]

Give me a head with hair long beautiful hair. I married her. Mine is deciduous.

 

[Sgt. Rock]

Just before entering boot camp..the old saying was "Hair today..gone tomorrow".

 

[Concealed 27]

No comb over here, just cut it military style now...no scissors just clippers..lol

 

[Sgt. Rock]

Todays NFL players you can't even read their names on their jersey's because of their long freaky hair...gimmie "old school" NFL any day.

 

[Concealed 27]

The NFL considers it a part of the uniform now so i say to all defensive players, grab ahold of and yank there ass down.....jmho

 

[kwo51]

Did you see broad way Joe on tv?

 

[Sgt. Rock]

Did you see broad way Joe on tv?

Is he kissing more sideline reporters????.bet he wishes it was 1969 again.

 

[Sgt. Rock]

A husband is at home watching a
football game when his wife interrupts,

honey,
could you fix the light in the hallway?
It's been flickering for weeks now.

He looks at her and says angrily,
fix the lights now?
Does it look like i have
ge written on my forehead?
I don't think so.

Fine,

then the wife asks,
well then, could you fix the fridge door?
It won't close right

to which he replied,
fix the fridge door?
Does it look like i have westinghouse
written on my forehead?
I don't think so

fine, she says
then you could at least fix the steps
to the front door?
They are about to break

i'm not a carpenter and i don't
want to fix steps
he says, does it look like i have
ace hardware written on my forehead?
I don't think so
i've had enough of you.
I'm going to the bar!!!!

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a
couple of hours................................

He starts to feel guilty about how
he treated his wife, and decides
to go home

as he walks into the house he notices
that the steps are already fixed.

As he enters the house , he sees the
hall light is working

as he goes to get a beer, he notices
the fridge door is fixed.

Honey, he asks, how'd all this get fixed?
She said, well, when you left i sat
outside and cried.

Just then a nice young man asked me
what was wrong, and i told him.

He offered to do all the repairs, and
all i had to do was either
go to bed with him or bake a cake.

He said,
so what kind of cake did you bake?

She replied,
hellooooo..
Do you see betty crocker written
on my forehead?

 

[kwo51]

Young man had HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY on his.

 

[Sgt. Rock]

A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6' 2", strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces.

When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff's Department.

After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview. ...

The Chief Deputy said, "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an "Attitude Suitability Test", that you must take before you can be accepted. We just don't let anyone carry our badge, son."

Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot:

* Six illegal aliens,
* Six lawyers,
* Six meth dealers,
* Six Muslim extremists,
* Six Democrats,
* and a rabbit..."

"Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant.

"You pass," said the Chief..."When can you start?"

 

[Concealed 27]

A husband is at home watching a
football game when his wife interrupts,

honey,
could you fix the light in the hallway?
It's been flickering for weeks now.

He looks at her and says angrily,
fix the lights now?
Does it look like i have
ge written on my forehead?
I don't think so.

Fine,

then the wife asks,
well then, could you fix the fridge door?
It won't close right

to which he replied,
fix the fridge door?
Does it look like i have westinghouse
written on my forehead?
I don't think so

fine, she says
then you could at least fix the steps
to the front door?
They are about to break

i'm not a carpenter and i don't
want to fix steps
he says, does it look like i have
ace hardware written on my forehead?
I don't think so
i've had enough of you.
I'm going to the bar!!!!

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a
couple of hours................................

He starts to feel guilty about how
he treated his wife, and decides
to go home

as he walks into the house he notices
that the steps are already fixed.

As he enters the house , he sees the
hall light is working

as he goes to get a beer, he notices
the fridge door is fixed.

Honey, he asks, how'd all this get fixed?
She said, well, when you left i sat
outside and cried.

Just then a nice young man asked me
what was wrong, and i told him.

He offered to do all the repairs, and
all i had to do was either
go to bed with him or bake a cake.

He said,
so what kind of cake did you bake?

She replied,
hellooooo..
Do you see betty crocker written
on my forehead?

That my friend is a great day for the young man and an extremeley bad day for the husband.....:rofl:

 

[Sgt. Rock]

A father wanted his son to grow up to be a baseball player.

So at a very early age he started teaching him how to pass a urine test.

 

[kwo51]

And now he has knuckle balls.

 

[oppo]

 

[Sgt. Rock]

Sign of the times:

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars.. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page.... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'

The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.' The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

"U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH"

That pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.

 

[Sgt. Rock]

I got some good news and bad news:

The drill sergeant making his morning announcements to a group of newcomers in a training camp, stated: "Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news.

First, the good news Private Peters will be setting the pace on our morning run.”

With this the platoon was overjoyed, as Private Peters was overweight, terribly slow and many picked on him. But then the drill sergeant finished his statement: "Now for the bad news...

Private Peters will be driving a truck."