Joke of the day

[Sgt. Rock]

While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over abridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic
patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, “What's your hurry?”

To which she replied, “I'm late for work.”

“Oh yeah,” said the cop, “what do you do?”

“I'm a rectum stretcher” she responded.

The cop stammered, “A what”????

“A rectum stretcher!”

“And just what does a rectum stretcher do?”

“Well,” she said, “I start by inserting one finger in the rectum,
then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my
whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and
then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet”

“And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?” he asked

“You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge”

Traffic Ticket $398.00
Court Costs $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face....... PRICELESS


For everything else, there's MasterCard.

 

[TheOl55]

A Positive Attitude.

Late in the night he regained consciousness

He found himself in agonizing pain in the hospital's ICU, with tubes up his nose,

wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him.

He realized he'd obviously been in a serious accident.

She gave him a deep look straight into the eyes, and he heard her slowly say,

"You may not feel anything from the waist down."

Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your tits, then?"


THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS A POSITIVE ATTITUDE!

.

 

[Concealed 27]

Very funny 0155....made me lmao...lol
Concealed 27

 

[Concealed 27]

stupid people

I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people.
I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds...
People move out of the way a helluva lot faster now.

You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands.
If they are holding a gun, she's probably pissed.

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers...
Now they drink like their fathers.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone?
That's common sense leaving your body.

I don't like making plans for the day because....
Then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

I didn't make it to the gym today.
That makes twenty years in a row.

I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim!
I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers:
If you find one, what's your plan?

 

[TheOl55]

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with queenly large breasts.


Nick the Dragon Slayer was obsessed over the Queen for this reason.


He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.


One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.


Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme.


The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of the kingdom, only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.


The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.


The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and was hailed by both the King and Queen as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.


The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear.

The King immediately summoned Nick.


The moral of this story is: Pay your fuckin' bills.

 

[Sgt. Rock]

A Marine and A Terroist:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious.

On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.

I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved. and he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn't even an American.

So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!"

"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us." -----

 

[kwo51]

Every damn time that happens I feel sorry for our country.

 

[Sgt. Rock]

Maine lobster fest:

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Bar Harbor Maine man answered his door to find two grim-faced Maine State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife", said one of the troopers.

"Tell me! Did you find her?", Wilkens exclaimed.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."

"Oh my God!", exclaimed Wilkens.

Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 of the best looking Maine Lobstahs that you have ever seen and 60 good-sized Rockfish clinging to her, haven't seen lobstahs like that since the 1960's and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"

The trooper replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

 

[Sgt. Rock]

Al Sharpton was in Ferguson, MO. once again.

He was there to protest the fact that most all of the washing machines were white.

So the store manager was called, who asked, “What’s the problem here, Reverend?

Sharpton pointed at the machines and loudly bemoaned with his bullhorn the fact that most of them were white.

A stirred up crowd had gathered outside but the manager quickly replied,

“Well, Reverend, it's true that most of the washing machines are white, but if you'll open the lids, you'll see that all the agitators are black."

 

[kwo51]

and thats the truth.

 

[Sgt. Rock]

During a commercial airline flight an experienced Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms.

When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "that's a good looking baby, and he sure was hungry!" Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "Really?? - And all these years, I've been chewing gum."

 

[Sgt. Rock]

Hillary for President

Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in the White House.

The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"

Washington says, "Never tell a lie."

Ouch! Says Hillary, I don't know about that.

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears...

Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"

Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."

Ohhh! I really don't want to do that.

On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears...

Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"

Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."

 

[SilvrSRT10]

I really hope it doesn't get that far. The thought of Hillary in the White House makes me nauseous.

 

[kwo51]

Unless you have some pull with the Bilderbeg's she is a shoe in. I hope and pray not but expect it.

 

[TheOl55]

There goes my breakfast.....

 

[SilvrSRT10]

Unless you have some pull with the Bilderbeg's she is a shoe in. I hope and pray not but expect it.

If this is true, then what good is the voting process? I swear some days I feel like becoming a hermit and getting off the grid. I just want to disconnect and hope nobody finds me.

I've read about the Bilderberg's secret society and how they supposedly control everything from behind the curtain (Wizard of Oz analogy). It's sickening to me to think that our voting process is all a ruse to make us think we actually have a say in how the country is run. But in reality it's all an act. BHO getting into office a second time would certainly make you think that way. That or massive voter fraud. I can't stand what our country has become.

 

[oppo]

There was definitely some massive voter fraud and shenanigans going on.

 

[kwo51]

We did not vote him in the electoral college did. All the stupid voted for him 2 times. I wonder how they could tell .

 

[Concealed 27]

The electoral college vote has got to go. Let the majority vote rule. It's like your vote does not mean shit. Like srt said it's just an illusion to make us think we matter. All I know is with everything going on I'm gonna be back to supplying my ammo again. I have a lot but want more to protect myself and family. No longer buying fmj but all hps for my pistols and ars....
Concealed 27

 

[SilvrSRT10]

Back to Jokes Dagnabbit!

A group of golfing buddies, all in their 40s, discussed where they should meet for lunch. It was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the waitresses were young, good looking, had big breasts and wore short-shorts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the golfing buddies once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Again it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the food and service was good, they had many televisions to watch the games on, and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the golfing buddies again discussed where they should meet for lunch. After a long talk it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace, and it was good value for the money.

Ten years later, at age 70, the golfing buddies discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later, at age 80, the golfing buddies discussed where they should meet for lunch. One of them suggested that they should meet at Hooters because they had never been there before.