RangerDanger
Full Access Member
Figured who couldn't use a few good laughs. I found this one funny since I'm a Towboat Captain
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Joke of the day
- Thread starter RangerDanger
- Start date
RangerDanger
Full Access Member
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while, a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag.""Oh, really? Darn!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me.""Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that Money?"You didn't steal it, did you?""Oh, no", said the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right Next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes'.."Well, that seems only fair" laughs the cop. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?""Well, you know", "not everybody pays".
RangerDanger
Full Access Member
Swollen at the Doctor's
Don't laugh!" said the patient, Ed."Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.""Okay then," Ed said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure."I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again.Now...what seems to be the problem?""It's swollen," Ed replied.
Don't laugh!" said the patient, Ed."Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.""Okay then," Ed said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure."I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again.Now...what seems to be the problem?""It's swollen," Ed replied.
RangerDanger
Full Access Member
How many women does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
It's irrelevant - what was she doing out of the kitchen
It's irrelevant - what was she doing out of the kitchen
RangerDanger
Full Access Member
What do you tell a girl with two black eyes?
Nothing, you already told her twice
Nothing, you already told her twice
RangerDanger
Full Access Member
An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.*The boy asked, "What is this Father?"*The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."*While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.*The father said quietly to his son... "Go get your mother."
RangerDanger
Full Access Member
A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled...When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open."He zipped up and finished his shopping. At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Marine standing in there at attention?"The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said "No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags
ViperJeff
Administrator
From a cowboy's perspective
participating
in a
gun buyback program
because you believe that the criminals have too many guns
is like
having yourself castrated
because you believe that
the
neighbors have too many kids.
participating
in a
gun buyback program
because you believe that the criminals have too many guns
is like
having yourself castrated
because you believe that
the
neighbors have too many kids.
ViperJeff
Administrator
Diplomacy is saying, "Nice doggie" while you look for a rock
Will Rodgers
Will Rodgers
Sgt. Rock
Full Access Member
An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town to clear his parched throat.
He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying "Hey old man, can you dance?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No son, I don't dance...never really wanted to".
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well you old fool, you're gonna dance now! and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody standing around was laughing.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his guns and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled 12 gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers.
The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. Suddenley the crowd stopped laughing immediately and the young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.
The silence was deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunslinger stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 12 guage barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said; "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir....but I've always wanted to!"
Now there are a few lessons for all of us here:-
*Don't be arrogant
*Don't waste ammunition
*Whisky makes you think you're smarter than you are
*Always make sure you know who is in control
*And finally, don't screw around with old folks, they don't get old
by being stupid
I just love a good story with a happy ending...don't you?
He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying "Hey old man, can you dance?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No son, I don't dance...never really wanted to".
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well you old fool, you're gonna dance now! and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody standing around was laughing.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his guns and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled 12 gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers.
The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. Suddenley the crowd stopped laughing immediately and the young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.
The silence was deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunslinger stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 12 guage barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said; "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir....but I've always wanted to!"
Now there are a few lessons for all of us here:-
*Don't be arrogant
*Don't waste ammunition
*Whisky makes you think you're smarter than you are
*Always make sure you know who is in control
*And finally, don't screw around with old folks, they don't get old
by being stupid
I just love a good story with a happy ending...don't you?
ViperJeff
Administrator
Love it
RangerDanger
Full Access Member
A Baptist Preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought quickly to him by a flight attendant.
The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink. Appalled, the preacher replied, "Id rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill repute than let liquor touch my lips!"
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too! I didn't know we had a choice."
The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink. Appalled, the preacher replied, "Id rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill repute than let liquor touch my lips!"
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too! I didn't know we had a choice."
RangerDanger
Full Access Member
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:
"Two Prostitutes -- $50.00."*A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told themthey'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.*
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."
One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?!"
"Well, that's a little different, " the officer smiled "Their sign pertains to religion."*
So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.The following day found the same police officer in the area when he*noticed the two ladi es driving around with a large sign on their car again.
Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with themwhen he noticed the new sign which now read:*
"Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter -- $50.00."
"Two Prostitutes -- $50.00."*A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told themthey'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.*
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."
One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?!"
"Well, that's a little different, " the officer smiled "Their sign pertains to religion."*
So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.The following day found the same police officer in the area when he*noticed the two ladi es driving around with a large sign on their car again.
Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with themwhen he noticed the new sign which now read:*
"Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter -- $50.00."
RangerDanger
Full Access Member
A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a blonde woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."
RangerDanger
Full Access Member
A woman walks into a tattoo parlor..."Do you do custom work?" she asks the artist.
"Why of course!" says the tattoo artist.
"Good," she says. "I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh. And I want them both looking at my cookie."
"No problem," says the artist. "Strip from the waist down and get up on the table."
After 4 hours of hard work, the artist finishes.
The woman sits up and examines the tattoos."That doesn't look like them!" she complains loudly.
"Oh yes it does," the artist says indignantly, "and I can prove it."With that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first man off the street he can find; it happens to be the town drunk.
"Well, what do you think?" the woman asks, spreading her legs apart for the drunk man. "Do you know who these men are?"
The drunks studies the tattoos for a couple of seconds and says, "I'm not sure who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson!"
"Why of course!" says the tattoo artist.
"Good," she says. "I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh. And I want them both looking at my cookie."
"No problem," says the artist. "Strip from the waist down and get up on the table."
After 4 hours of hard work, the artist finishes.
The woman sits up and examines the tattoos."That doesn't look like them!" she complains loudly.
"Oh yes it does," the artist says indignantly, "and I can prove it."With that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first man off the street he can find; it happens to be the town drunk.
"Well, what do you think?" the woman asks, spreading her legs apart for the drunk man. "Do you know who these men are?"
The drunks studies the tattoos for a couple of seconds and says, "I'm not sure who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson!"
RangerDanger
Full Access Member
Chapped Lips*
Bill and John, two lumberjacks, are out cutting timber one cold day when Bill starts to complain about always having chapped lips then notices John never does. "Why don't you ever have chapped lips?"asks Bill. John answers, "It's simple - watch..."*
John drops his pants, bends over and sticks his finger up his butt, then rubs his finger all over his lips. "Does that keep you from getting chapped lips"? Bill askes, "No" replies John, "but it sure keeps me from licking them"!
Bill and John, two lumberjacks, are out cutting timber one cold day when Bill starts to complain about always having chapped lips then notices John never does. "Why don't you ever have chapped lips?"asks Bill. John answers, "It's simple - watch..."*
John drops his pants, bends over and sticks his finger up his butt, then rubs his finger all over his lips. "Does that keep you from getting chapped lips"? Bill askes, "No" replies John, "but it sure keeps me from licking them"!
RangerDanger
Full Access Member
How do you circumcise a little boy from Arkansas?
Kick his sister in the chin!
Kick his sister in the chin!
RangerDanger
Full Access Member
Little Old Lady Making Bets*
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bag of money. She insists that she must speak with the President of the bank to open a savings account because it's a lot of money. They finally get her into the presidents office and he asks her how much she would like to deposit. She says she has $165,000 and then dumps it out of the bag onto his desk. The president was surprised and of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asks her. The old lad says, "I make bets". The president replies, "Bets? What kind of bets?" and she says, "for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square". "Ha!" says the president, "That's a stupid bet, you can never win that kind of bet". The old lady says,"So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," says the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady says "OK, but since there is a lot of money involved is it OK with you if I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM to witness?" "Sure" says the president. That night the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again, thouroughly checking them out until he was sure that there is no way his balls are square and that he will win the bet. THe next morning at 10 AM the little old lady appears with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduces the lawyer to the president and repeats the bet, that $25,000 says the president's balls are square. The president agrees with the bet again and the old lady asks him to drop his pants so they can see. The president does this. THe little old lady looks closely at his balls and then asks if she can feel them. "Well, OK" says the president, $25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure". Then he notices that the lawyer is quietly banging his head against the wall and he asks the old lady , "What is wrong with your lawyer?" She replies, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that by 10 AM today I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hands!"
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bag of money. She insists that she must speak with the President of the bank to open a savings account because it's a lot of money. They finally get her into the presidents office and he asks her how much she would like to deposit. She says she has $165,000 and then dumps it out of the bag onto his desk. The president was surprised and of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asks her. The old lad says, "I make bets". The president replies, "Bets? What kind of bets?" and she says, "for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square". "Ha!" says the president, "That's a stupid bet, you can never win that kind of bet". The old lady says,"So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," says the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady says "OK, but since there is a lot of money involved is it OK with you if I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM to witness?" "Sure" says the president. That night the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again, thouroughly checking them out until he was sure that there is no way his balls are square and that he will win the bet. THe next morning at 10 AM the little old lady appears with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduces the lawyer to the president and repeats the bet, that $25,000 says the president's balls are square. The president agrees with the bet again and the old lady asks him to drop his pants so they can see. The president does this. THe little old lady looks closely at his balls and then asks if she can feel them. "Well, OK" says the president, $25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure". Then he notices that the lawyer is quietly banging his head against the wall and he asks the old lady , "What is wrong with your lawyer?" She replies, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that by 10 AM today I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hands!"
