The Weapons Forum Joke Thread

[HouserSam]

Hey, fellas! I've created this thread for us to share a few full-hearted laughs, something to lighten up the day when the going gets rough or you just needed something to pick you up from a gloomy day. Let me start this up with a few shorts:

This new thesaurus I bought is the worst..

Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.

 

[HouserSam]

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"

The grasshopper looks surprised and asks, "You have a drink named Steve?"

 

[priell3]

The firemen finally get a huge fire under control, and Chief Brown has all of his men accounted for except Olson and Rosolino. After a few minutes search, the chief looks down an alley, and there's Rosolino, leaning over a trash can. His pants are down to his ankles, and Olson is banging away from behind. Chief Brown says "What the hell is going on?" Olson says "Rosolino passed out from smoke inhalation". The chief says "Smoke inhalation? You're supposed to give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation!" Olson says "I did, Chief, but then one thing led to another..."

 

[priell3]

A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "Okay, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison." And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped." Turning on his side, he smiles and says, "Then we will have to re-imprison him." After the second time, the bride says, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!" The husband rises to the occasion and they made love again. The bride again says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again," to which the husband yelled, "Hey, it's not a life sentence!"

 

[priell3]

Hooked up with a gal last night. She said I want 12 inches and make it hurt. I porked her three times and hit her in the head with a brick...

 

[priell3]

Let's Insult Everyone and give Political correctness a day off....SHALL WE...?

I'd just come out of the shop with a roast beef sandwich, large chips, an ear of corn and a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and told me, 'I've not eaten for two days. 'I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunchtime. She said 'sorry about the wait'. I said, 'don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually.

I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said 'Any Change?' I said, 'Nope, you're still black.'

Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, 'fat chance,' with a face like that!

A 10-year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks 'what's wrong, lad?' The boy says 'me uncle died this morning.' 'Oh bejaysus,' the man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?' The boy replies, 'No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.'

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself... 'I'm grabbing that.'

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Iowa. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him, 'where am I'? The farmer looks back up and shouts back, 'you're in a basket you dumb ass'!

I had a big lead in a trivia competition at the church social on Wed. night until I got the last question wrong. The question was “where do women have the curliest hair? Apparently, Fiji was the correct answer. My wife said we could never go back to that church.

I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct answers.

I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

 

[oppo]

Q: How many Democrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Just one, but it really gets screwed.*


Q: What do you get when you offer a Liberal a penny for his thoughts?

A: Change.*


Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a prostitute?

A: The prostitute gives value for the money she takes.*


Q: What do you call a basement full of Liberals?

A: A whine cellar.*


Q: What the difference between a Liberal and the rear end of a horse?

A: I don't know either.*

 

[priell3]

A mother and her 5 year old daughter were driving down a highway one day when suddenly a giant dildo hits their windshield…


Daughter – Mommy, what was that?

Mom – (Not wanting her daughter to know what it really was) It was just a bug honey. Don’t worry about it.

There were a few seconds of silence.

Daughter – Did you see the size of the dick on that thing?

 

[HouserSam]

I think my wife has weekly sessions with the devil on how to be more evil.

I don't know what she charges him for it though.

 

[HouserSam]

Back when I was in high school, some kids told me they’d give me $20 to hang out with them.

Turns out, it was just clique bait.

 

[HouserSam]

My buddy asked me if he could crash on my couch tonight..

I had to explain to him that I am married now.. and that's where I sleep.

 

[priell3]

A man goes into the pharmacist and asks for some viagra. 'Have you got a prescription,' the pharmacist asks him. 'No, but will a picture of my wife do?' the man asks.

 

[SilvrSRT10]

I don't like Viagra. I took one once and it was difficult to swallow. It got stuck in my throat and gave me a stiff neck.

 

[priell3]

 

[priell3]

 

[Arckadian]

Hehehe I like this thread, nice idea.

 

[priell3]

The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair, under the table, and under the table cloth, but the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and totally out of sight under the tablecloth.

Still, the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué, and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man:
"Pardon me sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table."

The man calmly looked up at her and said:
"No, unfortunately, she just walked in."

 

[priell3]

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a family nude beach...

As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.

She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is.'

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play. Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother:

'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.

 

[priell3]

 

[oppo]

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.
For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking.
How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God saw it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said,
"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.
For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years?
That's a pretty long time to perform.
How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God, again saw it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said,
"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family.
For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said,
"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years?
Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back,
the ten the monkey gave back,
and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.
I'm doing it as a public service.
If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.